I can remember my first day at school. The teacher looked at me during register and asked, "Are you chewing?" I said, "No, Chew Wing is probably one of the Asian kids, my name is Simon!"
Have YOU had to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more? You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers NOW.
I got caught speeding yesterday. The policeman asked me to step out of the car and walk in a straight line. Half way down he stopped me and said, "I"m sorry sir, but you"ll have to come back to the station with me as you"re staggering." I replied, "Oohh, you little tiger, you"re not so bad looking yourself."
A new priest has just started working at the local catholic church when the head priest, Father David, announces that he is going on holiday for a week. Father David asks the new priest if he wouldn"t mind doing the confessions whilst he"s away. Concerned that he is inexperienced, Father David gives him the latest handbook on what to do in the confession box. The new priest has been doing the job for five minutes when a young woman enters the box and says, "forgive me father, for I have sinned - I have had feelings of a carnal nature toward the man who cuts our lawn." The priest looks to his handbook, finds the section on sexual desire and gardeners, and relays the appropriate penance to the woman. "You must do five hail marys, and polish the church door brass." Later, a second woman confesses she has kissed the guy who came to fix the boiler. He looks in the handbook, finds the section on intimate liaisons with members of the plumbing trade and hands down a penance of ten hail marys, fifty counts of the rosaries, and an afternoon trimming the church candles. Much later a woman comes to the box and confesses that she has given the local policeman a blow-job. After a few minutes, the priest cannot find any mention of sucking a mans cock in the handbook and wonders what to do. He sticks his head out of the box just as a choir boy is passing, and asks the lad, "psst.. do you know what Father David usually gives for a blow-job?" Quick as a flash, the young lad replies, "a bag of Skittles and a Kit-Kat."
An Irish family have frozen to death outside a theatre in Dublin. They had been queuing for 3 weeks to see Closed For The Winter.
The missus and I have both made those lists of 5 people that we're allowed to sleep with if we ever get the opportunity. She's picked Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, Jeremy Renner, Kiefer Sutherland and Paul Hollywood. I've gone for her sister, her cousin, her best mate, our next door neighbour and the fit bird from the Co-op.
Steve Davis (of snooker fame) pulls a delightful groupie after a tournament and ends up in his hotel room after several drinks... Desperate to get on with shagging her idol, she strips off and gets on all fours presenting her arse in the air... Our Steve, not a man to rush... drops his trousers and starts staring at the girls arse, moving from side to side and raising and lowering his head... "Are you going to f*ck me?" shouts the girl... ."Yes, but I don"t know if I should go for the easy pink or the tight brown!!"
An American, a Russian and a Talibani are on a plane. The hostess asks the American what he wants to drink, to which he replies "a dry Martini please". She asks the same to the Russian in the middle, and his response: "vodka and lemon please". She turns to the Talibani along the aisle seat and asks him the same question, to which he politely replies "oh nothing for me thank you very much, I am about to drive!".
What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man? The bachelor comes home, sees what"s in the refrigerator, then goes to bed. The married man comes home, sees what"s in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.
