A guy just knocked on my door and asked who my energy supplier was, apparently, "Red Bull", wasn't the answer he was looking for.
With the General Election looming, there's quite a lot of political jokes doing the rounds. The worst thing is, that some of them will probably get elected.
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can"t marry her because of my personal family situation but I"ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man"s shoulder and tells him, "You f*ck her again."
Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar" Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn"t half talk some ****e eh? He couldn"t fight his way out of a wet parchment bag." Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls". The crowd is up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar". Brutus once again turns to his mate "I"m sick of his bull-****, I"m off to France to check this out." So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome. Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those bastards out" The crowd is up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar" Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I"ve been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!" The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing... Away Gauls count double in Europe."
BREAKING: Burnley have signed unknown talent José Bartonola on an 18 month deal. please log in to view this image
Breaking News: Sergio Aguero is out of his coma and making a full recovery! please log in to view this image
Anagrams..... ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters it becomes TWELVE PLUS ONE DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters it becomes A ROPE ENDS IT DAVID GINOLA:When you rearrange the letters it becomes VAGINA DILDO
Some people say they don"t understand the mentality of suicide bombers. But if I couldn"t drink, and every woman I saw was covered from head to toe, I"d be queueing up to strap a bomb on.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried wiping their arse with an iPad.....
