When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn"t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Got home from the pub at 3 o clock this morning and the missus was waiting at the door with a rolling pin. I said "What the f*ck are you doing baking at this hour?"
Why Guns are better than Women: 12. Your gun never complains about the length of your trigger finger. 11. Your gun"s double-barrel will always stay firm. 10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you"re on the road. 8. If you admire a friend"s gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times. 7. Your primary gun doesn"t mind if you keep another gun for a backup. 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. 5. A gun doesn"t take up a lot of closet space. 4. Guns function normally every day of the month. 3. A gun doesn"t ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?" 2. A gun doesn"t mind if you go to sleep after you use it. And the number one reason a gun is favoured over a woman.... Drum roll, please! 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.
Women are like cheese. They come in different shapes, colours, and with various sized holes. Mature one's have blue veins running through them. And they always go down easier with wine.
The Conservatives have pledged to invest in Merseyside and create 100,000 jobs if they win the election. The Labour Party now regard Liverpool as a safe seat!
