Excuse me for asking but the gentleman in the middle where has he secured his right arm?????????????????????????
Off Topic Jokes thread
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Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.
Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
A guy goes to Moscow on business, the first night he picks up a hooker in the Hotel Bar and takes her back to his room.
Being a hooker he"s not expecting much, but as they"re going at it she starts moaning, he starts pumping for all he"s worth and she starts squealing. he"s really getting into it now, banging like the proverbial sh*thouse door and she starts screaming.
Afterwards, she"s shattered, she drags herself to her feet, takes the money and says "Mushka, Mushka".
"She must have loved that and is telling me well done" the guys thinks.
Next day he meets his business contact, and they go off for a round of golf, the Russian tees off first, he hits a screamer right down the middle of the fairway, 300 yards, a perfect shot.
Keen to impress, the tourist wants to use the little Russian he knows, so he says "Mushka, Mushka".
The Russian looks at him and says "What do you mean wrong hole?"
Being a hooker he"s not expecting much, but as they"re going at it she starts moaning, he starts pumping for all he"s worth and she starts squealing. he"s really getting into it now, banging like the proverbial sh*thouse door and she starts screaming.
Afterwards, she"s shattered, she drags herself to her feet, takes the money and says "Mushka, Mushka".
"She must have loved that and is telling me well done" the guys thinks.
Next day he meets his business contact, and they go off for a round of golf, the Russian tees off first, he hits a screamer right down the middle of the fairway, 300 yards, a perfect shot.
Keen to impress, the tourist wants to use the little Russian he knows, so he says "Mushka, Mushka".
The Russian looks at him and says "What do you mean wrong hole?"
I can truly relate to the fear felt by Ethnic minorities in modern Britain today...cos I"m British
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What is it about this picture that makes you want to take up fishing - Waders and Boobs....
Plymouth Argyle have just announced the discovery of a natural spring under their Home Park pitch.
They're bottling it...........
They're bottling it...........
Choosing who to vote for is like having to choose a sexually transmitted disease.
They're all unpleasant and some are worse than others, but you really don't want any of them!
They're all unpleasant and some are worse than others, but you really don't want any of them!
Why do Scotsmen have blue willies?
Because they are tight fisted ****ers.
Because they are tight fisted ****ers.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to p*ss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat,
"Because I f*cking didn"t."
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to p*ss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat,
"Because I f*cking didn"t."
A woman rushes into a police station shouting "Grape Grape!!!!"
The Policeman on the desk says "don't you mean rape?"
The woman replies "No No there were a bunch of them!!!!"
The Policeman on the desk says "don't you mean rape?"
The woman replies "No No there were a bunch of them!!!!"
Breaking News:
The lrish government have announced that as of next week, all cars in lreland will now drive on the right hand side of the road.
lf this is a success, all buses and lorries will follow a week later.
The lrish government have announced that as of next week, all cars in lreland will now drive on the right hand side of the road.
lf this is a success, all buses and lorries will follow a week later.
This guy from across the road was talking to me earlier.
“My wife’s just told me she’s been having an affair with Dave the milkman,” he confided.
“What? That fat ugly fu*ker I see every morning outside your house?”
“Yes,” he laughed, cheering up.
“Why would Dave the milkman want to fu*k that?”
“My wife’s just told me she’s been having an affair with Dave the milkman,” he confided.
“What? That fat ugly fu*ker I see every morning outside your house?”
“Yes,” he laughed, cheering up.
“Why would Dave the milkman want to fu*k that?”
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
BBQ RULES:
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Why are French Canadians forbidden to swim in the St. Lawrence River?
Because they leave a ring.
Because they leave a ring.