My husband complained our sex life was stale and needed spicing up a bit... apparently cutting up chillis and rubbing them on his knob-end wasn"t what he had in mind.
Mary,a shy virgin was discussing her worries about her up-coming marriage to paddy,with the parish priest." He dropped his trousers last night Father,he has a thing between his legs that I never saw the likes of before". "Sure thats only his penis Mary". "But father there"s a purple knob on it". "Thats just the head of the penis Mary". "Yeah but then Father about 16 inches back from the purple knob there"s 2 big round things.What are they Father?" "Well for your sake Mary,I hope they"re the cheeks of his arse"!!!!!!!!
I'm in hospital, but don't Panic!.......... I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodill bulb! Doctors say I'll be out in the Spring.
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I"ve decided to give your wife 775 pounds a week." "That"s very fair, your honour." the husband said "And every now and then I"ll try to send her a few quid myself!".
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork? " The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate? The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith and made love to a woman." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a fcuking ham sandwich, doesn"t it?"
I was about to cross a road when this really fat old woman screamed at me from the other side, "please, young man, can you see me across the road?" I shouted back, "I could see you a fcuking hundred yards back!"
A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barrelled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvellous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him". The guy says "Is your brother a doctor?" "No" Doc replies "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye".
One morning a secretary says to her boss " Hey boss, have you ever rubbed vaseline into your cock ? " The boss nearly chokes on his coffee and says " Why on earth do you ask that ? " She says " Well I had a chapped lip yesterday and today it"s gone "
Medical research has shown that people who run slow down the ageing process. That explains the large amount of young looking French.
Boy George and Elton John are releasing a gay version of the Wizard of Oz. its called Swallow the Yellow thick load
These three lads are drinking in a pub when this bloke comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while the bloke goes up to the group of lads, points at the one in the middle and says, in a drunken slur "I've ****ED your mum!" The three lads look bewildered and the bloke goes back to drinking at the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces "Your mum has sucked my DICK!" The three lads try and ignore him and he goes back to the bar. After another ten minutes he comes back and shouts "I've ****ed your mum UP THE ARSE!" By now the lads have had enough and the one in the middle stands up and says "Look, dad, you're drunk. Now **** off home!"
A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "For ****'s sake!" the bloke cried "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's ****ing himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate" the bartender told him "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"
I"ve tried to help childless couples by making anonymous donations of my sperm. However, I"ve now been told I should really be doing this through a clinic and not straight through their letterboxes.
A blonde went into a World Wide Message Centre to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost £300, she exclaimed: "I don"t have any money. But I"d do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother". The man arched an eyebrow. "Hmmm...Anything?" he asked. "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised. "Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your knees. "She did. "Now take down my zipper". She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out...." he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused. The man closed his eyes, smiled and whispered" Well............ go ahead". The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said..........."Hello. Mum...can you hear me?"
