Off Topic Jokes thread

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Some tips for 4x4 drivers.
1. Don"t bother investing in a personal number plate; No-one gives a fcuk what your name is.
2. Those little stalks that are next to the steering wheel are "indicators." Use them occasionally.
3. Putting a "Princess on Board" sticker isn"t cool, especially if the princess in question is Diana. She must really smell by now.
4. "Parent and Child" spaces aren"t really for you if your child is 19, even if she weighs as many stone.
5. When parking, try to park in what we call "parking spaces".
6. Be sure to put a "Greenpeace" or a "Save the Earth" sticker on your bumper. Other drivers will enjoy the irony, even if you don"t.
7. When people make "****er" signs at you, it"s because you are a ****er. Learn to live with it.
 
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Dave has just had his left arm amputated after an accident at work. he goes to his local for a few pints with his mate Rick to drown his sorrows.
After half an hour a man with no arms at all comes into the pub bouncing around like he"s on a pogo stick.
Rick says to Dave ""look you miserable twat, that guy there has got no arms at all and he"s as happy as a pig in ****, at least you still have an arm"
"Rick goes over to this guy "" my mate has lost one arm and look at him miserable bastard.
And here you are with no arms at all, but your as happy as a pig in ****""
The guy still bouncing round responds""Fcuk off mate i've got an itchy arse""
 
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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
 
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A guy goes into a pub and asks for "2 whiskeys, one for me and one for my mate"
The landlord says "is your mate coming in later?"
The man says "No, he is in my pocket" and pulls out a perfect little 6" high man."
He can"t drink whiskey" says the landlord."Yes he can" says the guy and the tiny man drinks the glass of whiskey.
"He can"t even walk" says the landlord.
The guy tells the little man to walk and he walks up and down on top of the bar.
He can"t even talk" says the landlord."Yes he can" says the guy
.He says to the little man "Tell him about the time you called that witch doctor a ****er"
 
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A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes".

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.

It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00". She says "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. Oh, that sounds like a Master Card" he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says "That'll be $34.50 please".

The woman is totally confused by this and asks "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50".
 
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The other day I bought some flavoured condoms and asked the wife if she would like to go to bed and see how many flavours she could guess.

She jumped into bed and dived under the sheets; "cheese and onion", she yelled.

"Slow down, woman", I said, "give me a chance to put one on"....
 
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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."


He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in the line."
 
Subject: The Jewish Quarterback


> > The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The
> > only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
> > colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find
> > a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
> >
> > Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank
> > In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with
> > a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story
> > window 100 yards away.
> >
> > KABOOM!
> >
> > He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
> >
> > KA-BLOOEY!
> >
> > Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph, right into the open window.
> >
> > BULLS-EYE!
> >
> > "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect
> > arm!"
> >
> > So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
> > football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
> >
> > The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach
> > asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
> >
> > "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
> >
> > "I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says. "You are not my son!"
> >
> > "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won
> > the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my
> > adoring fans."
> >
> > "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
> > gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
> > brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have
> > to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady
> > pauses, and then tearfully says,
> >
> >
> > "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago.”
 
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A kid goes up to his dad and says, "what does a vagina look like?"
His father says, "Son, before sex a vagina looks like a rose, with pink velvety petals, and the aroma of perfume."
The kid says, "what about after sex?"
His father says, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
 
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An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a pub and each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Scotsman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling:
"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
 
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