Off Topic Jokes thread

A Muslim woman knocked on my front door last night - I spoke to her through the letterbox............
See how she fcuking likes it!

 

Strike back at Islam.
Run into your local mosque with 20 pounds of pork sausages strapped to your chest.

 

You see a black man and a white man drowning.
You only have time to rescue one, which one do you pick?
The black guy, the white man could be Scottish

 

A drunk is stumbling through the woods on his way home when he comes across a vicar baptising people in a river.
As the drunk approaches the vicar asks if he would like to find Jesus.
The drunk agrees and wades into the river.
The vicar dunks him, and asks "Have you found jesus No replies the drunk
The vicar dunks him again this time for a bit longer, have you found him now he asks No replies the drunk
Lord give me strength says the vicar and dunks the drunk until he starts gasping in the water.
Have you found him now asks the vicar
No replies the drunk. Are you sure this is where he fell in?

 

A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it"s answered by a 12 year old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other.
The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mum or dad in?"
To which the boy replies, "Does it fcuking look like it?"

 

Just bought the wife a new bag and a belt for her birthday...
Fcukin" hoover works perfectly now!

 

When I look at the moon, I see you,
When I look at the stars, I see you,
When I look at the sea, I see you,
Move out my fcuking way you fat bitch!

 

If only the good die young, does that make everyone over 50 a twat?

 

A guy who"s personal hygiene left a lot to be desired (he fcuking stank) was standing next to me in the pub.
I asked him, "don"t you have a shower after you"ve had sex?"
He said, "of course I do."
I said, "don"t you think it"s about time you went home and had a shag?"

 

Little Johnny is in school and it is near christmas time so the kids are giving presents to the teacher.
Little Ross stands up to give his present. The teacher knows his parents are choclatiers.
She takes the wrapped present and says, "This is a box of chocolates isn"t it?". Ross says, "Yes miss how did you guess?" and she replies,
"It was just a random guess Ross thank you."
Little Jenny stands up and the teacher knows her parents work at the local bakery. She takes the present and says, "This is a cake in a tin isn"t it?"
Jenny says, "Yes miss how did you guess?" and she again replies, "It was just a random guess Jenny thank you."
Little Johnny stands up and gives his present to the teacher. She knows his parents work at the brewery.
She sees that the present is leaking so she takes a sip and says, "This is a can of Newcastle Brown Ale isn"t it?"
Little Johnny shakes his head. She takes another sip. "Right this is a bottle of Red Wine then?" Again, Johnny shakes his head.
She eventually gives in and says, "Ok Johnny I give in what is it?"
And through his wide smile Johnny says, "A puppy miss!"

 

John Terry and Andy Murray are to train together next week,
Terry will teach Murray how not to hit the net and
Murray will show Terry how to hit the ball into the net.