Off Topic Jokes thread

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An Englishman goes into a pub in Cardiff, goes up to the bar and orders a pint of lager.
"You"re not from round here are you?" asks the barman.
"No" replies the Englishman feeling all the men in the pub are staring at him.
"What do you do for a living?" the barman continues."I"m Taxidermist" replies the Englishman... "I stuff animals"
"Its ok lads!" the barman shouts "He"s one of us!"
 
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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey" she signs "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"
 
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Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed.

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied "No, but I will for the teapot".
 
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"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live". The patient is taken back "What's the good news then, Doctor?". The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?" the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies "I'm fu*king her".
 
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A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realise they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached". The woman doctor agrees to it.

They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.

At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man says "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes" says the woman "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started" he says. "That makes sense" says the woman.

"You're an anaesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man. The woman replies "Because I didn't feel a thing"
 
A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist.

Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.

"My goodness" she exclaimed "I was expecting to see a foot". "Well" he said "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere".
 
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There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Frenchman was thinking: "The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.
"Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it."
And the Englishman was thinking:
"This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I"ll make another kissing noise and slap that French cnut again."
 
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
 
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A Chinese man decides to move to england. He buys a small piece of land near Stoke.
A few days after moving in the friendly english neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it
Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the
drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum. The english bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man
and says, '**** Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you
running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's arse, it could just about crap on you.'
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, 'Solly sir, you no understand. These not Chinese customs I doing, these English customs.'' What do you mean, mate?” says the English man - “Those aren't English customs.”
"Yes, are," replied the Chinese man. "Travel agent man say to become true English man, I MUST LEARN TO CHASE CHICKS, DRINK PISS AND LISTEN TO BULL SH*T"....
 
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