They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
I've just bought a Jehovah's Witness Advent Calendar for Christmas. But every time I open a Door on it, Someone tells me to F*ck Off .
An old lady got on an elevator in a very lavish building,when a young woman gets on smelling of perfume. The woman turns to the old woman and arrogantly says "Romance by Ralph Lauren $150.00 an ounce!" Then another young woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly says "Chanel#5 $200.00 an ounce!" About 3 floors later,the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator, but before she leaves,she looks at both women in the eye,bends over Farts and says "Broccoli 49 cents a pound!"
A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the side walk. Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?" Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."
There were three off-duty prostitutes sitting in a bar having a quick pint before they were due to be back on duty, when one starts up a conversation about how big her pussy is. "Well," says the first hooker, "my pussy is so big that I can get my whole fist in it." And so she does. "That's nothing," says the second, "My pussy is so big that I can get both fists in it." She demonstrates this technique to the other two. The third opens up her mouth and says, "Listen ladies, if you're gonna brag, you may as well do it with style" and on saying this, she spreads her legs and slides 18 inches down the bar stool
A bodybuilder was admiring his body in the mirror when he noticed he was suntanned everywhere but his penis. So, he went to the beach, naked, and buried himself in the sand with only his penis sticking out. Two elderly ladies walked by and saw this penis sticking out of the sand. One of them moved it around with her cane. She said to her friend, "There isn't any justice in this world." Her friend asked her what she meant. "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I demanded it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too fu*king old to squat."
I saw an ex-girlfriend in town earlier and we had a really nice chat. As we said bye to one another I gave her a hug and she smiled. "You've changed," she said, "You seem so much more mature now." I'd love to see her face when she finds the "I suck cock" note I stuck on her back.
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze. 1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. ' 2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?' 1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!' 2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!' 1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?' 2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!' 3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yerwifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fersome change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.' 1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?' 3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no dick.’
25 Reasons why beer is better than women (Australia) 1 - You can enjoy a beer all month long 2 - Beer stains wash out 3 - You don't have to wine and dine a beer 4 - Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football 5 - When your beer goes flat you toss it out and get another one 6 - Beer is never late 7 - A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer 8 - Hangovers go away 9 - Beer labels come off without a fight 10 - When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer 11 - Beer never has a headache 12 - After you're finished with a beer the bottle is still worth five cents 13 - A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer 14 - If you pour a beer right you'll always get good head 16 - A beer always goes down easy 17 - You can always share a beer with friends 18 - You know you're always the first one to pop a beer 19 - Beer is always wet 20 - Beer doesn't demand equality 21 - You can have a beer in public 22 - A beer doesn't care what time you come home 23 - A frigid beer is a good beer 24 - You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good 25 - If you change beers you don't have to pay maintenance
I was sat in a doctor's waiting room. I asked the man next to me what he was in for. He said "I stu... Hmmm... I stu... Hmmm... I stu..." "You stutter?" I said, feeling sorry for him. "No" he replied. "I stuck a piece of Lego up my bum, and it really hurts".
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided enough was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more kids. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10. 'The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and most of Plymouth, Devon.
Was shagging this woman over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day....
2016: Trump elected. 2018: Border wall completed. 2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver and Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics.
At the evening performance, the head usher at the Metropolitan Opera House was quite surprised. During an intermission, one middle aged lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe that I was sexually harassed!" The usher didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. At the end of the nights performance in an area close to the first complaint, a second little lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!" This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few guests had remained in the opera house, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one old man crawling along the opera house floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, can I help you?" A bald Donald Trump looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd found it twice, but they were both parted in the middle...and mine's parted on the side!"
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange," the woman said. "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see," commented the doctor calmly. "That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued. "That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were 50p's. This morning, there were £1 coins!" "You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said. "You're simply going through the change!"
Teacher says to the class.."Tell me a word beginning with "A". Billy says "Arse"...He gets told off by the teacher. Then she asks for a word beginning with "B"...Jenny says "Bollocks"...Again, she gets told off. The teacher decides to leave out "C" for obvious reasons and asks for a word beginning with "D"...Johnny. calls out "Dwarf". The teacher congratulates him and asks what a Dwarf is. Johnny replies "A short arsed cu*t with massive bollocks and a cock that touches the floor"!
Two old men are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a day?" "Aww, darn!" says his friend, "and I just joined Rotary!"
Paddy takes two stuffed dogs on to the Antique Roadshow. "Ohh," said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers Taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the 19th century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?" "Sticks?" Paddy replied.
An English prisoner of war was being held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over his body but had survived and okay until one day when the Germans told him 'Englander,your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off." The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing?" The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem." A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did the last time?' "Ya, that vill be done," says the German. The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before?" The German replies, "Vhy, ya." The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..." The German snapped No! We think you are trying to escape!"
