Off Topic Jokes thread

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There are essentially four kinds of sex …
HOUSE SEX –
When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX –
After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX –
After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “F**K YOU”.

COURTROOM SEX –
When your wife and her lawyer screw you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.
 
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Had it All !!

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I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.

I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical and dental coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"



"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no,..............I just got out of prison."
 
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A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see," commented the doctor calmly.

"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued.

"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were 50p's. This morning, there were £1 coins!"

"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said.



"You're simply going through the change!"
 
One day an old woman going through menopause walked into a shop and got some dog food,
she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can't buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog.
So she brought in her dog and she got the dog food.
The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can't have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat.
So she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food.
Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did.
She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!
 
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Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, half pound butter, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit 4 cups self raising flour.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now sh*t shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the feckin' window. Finish of the Vodka and wipe the counter with the feckin' cat.
 
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One day this guy comes to work at a sex toy shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop.
About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks "How much for your black dildos?"
The guy says "30 bucks"
"And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady.
Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white"
So she takes the black one and leaves.
A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks "How much for your white dildos?"
The man responds "30 bucks"
She asks "And how much for your black dildos?"
"30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man.
So she takes the white one leaves.
About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks "How much are your dildos?"
The guys says "All our dildos are 30 bucks"
Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for that green one?"
The man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250"
The blonde agrees and takes it.
Later that day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?"
The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and a 2-litre bottle of mountain dew for $250!"
 
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A couple was having quarrel in a lodge and the man calls the manager and says
"I'm having an argument with my wife, and now she wants to jump out the window please come fast"
Manager:"I am sorry sir this is your personal issue,please solve it by yourself."
Husband: "The window is not opening, this is not a personal issue this is a maintenance issue."
 
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A man and a woman get married and are on there honeymoon.
The woman walks out of the bathroom in a robe, the man says take off your robe were married now.
The woman says ok and takes off her robe.
Then the man asks if he can take a picture of her and she asks why and the man says
"So I can carry you with me."
A few hours later the man comes out of the bathroom in a robe.
The woman says take off your robe were married now.
The man says ok and takes off his robe.
The woman asks if she can take a picture and the man asks why and the woman says
"So I can have it enlarged!"
 
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An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day
of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that
you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on
vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next day, the American returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins!!!
 
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A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door.
He opens it to find two policemen there.
He asks if there is a problem.
One of the policemen asks if he is married.
The man replies, “Yes, I am.”
The policeman then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife.
The bloke says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them.
The copper then says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.”
The bloke replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”
 
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Paddy set Murphy up on a blind date. Paddy says "she's a lovely girl but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby".

Next day Paddy asked Murphy how he went on.

"Alright" said Murphy, "apart from she was an hour late and I felt a right twat sat at the end of the bar in just a nappy"
 
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."
 
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**********POLITE NOTICE **********

To people who have Christmas lights flashing blue on their houses/trees, can you please remove them?
Every time I pass, I think it's the police and I have to let my foot off the accelerator, slam on my brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my mobile phone on the floor, hide my bottle of Smirnoff , swallow my joint and hide my gun.

Thank you for your understanding.
 
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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says,
"Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot.
Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says,
"Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed.
Have you been eating doughnuts?"
 
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