First Day at The Zoo: A guy starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does so, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps pelting him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?” The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees"
Husband says to his wife “Do you fancy playing the rape game?” Wife says, “No.” Husband replies “That’s the spirit!”
A married couple go to a marriage counsellor to work out some problems. The counsellor sits them on the couch and says, “For starters, lets talk about something you both have in common.” The husband says “Well, neither of us suck dick.”
Guy walked in the chemist to be confronted by an attractive 40year old blonde. " How can i help" she asked. " Any chance i could speak to a male regards my problem ?" " I'm sorry but this chemist is owned and run by just myself and my twin sister, so whats the problem ?" " Well i keep getting this huge erection that i can't get rid of,no matter what i do, Iv'e still got it hours later there must be something you can offer me " " Wait there and I'll speak to my sister" She comes back after ten minutes and say's " Well I 've spoken to my sister and the best we can offer you is a third of the business, 250 quid a week and all you can eat"
Sad news from the nestle factory. A man has been crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate bars. He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled "The milky bars are on me", People just cheered !
Beer Troubleshooting SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to gent’s room, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above . SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
Best Comebacks Ever Man: “Haven’t we met before?” Woman: “Perhaps. I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.” Man: “Is this seat empty?” Woman: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.” Man: “So, wanna go back to my place ?” Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?” Man: “Your place or mine?” Woman: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine. Man: “So what do you do for a living?” Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.” Man: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?” Woman: “Do not Enter” Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?” Woman: “Unfertilized.” Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason.” Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!” Man: “I know how to please a woman.” Woman: “Then please leave me alone.” Man: “I want to give myself to you.” Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.” Man: “I’d go through anything for you.” Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.” Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?
Man Utd's live televised games have been moved to the Adult Channel. Apparently the sight of 11 arseholes getting hammered for ninety minutes is to explicit for Sky Sports to show.
CHINESE SICK LEAVE - I NO COME WORK TODAY Wong Chow calls into work and says, "I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work." The boss says, "You know something, Wong Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that." Two hours later Wong Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
We all enjoy a good satisfying dump. But did you know that you can transform a regular dump into a fantastic dump? Just follow our simple eight step guide to the perfect crap! Follow along as we take you into a new chapter in your life… 1. Timing - The right timing makes all the difference… Don’t be so eager that you sit disappointed as you struggle to pinch a loaf; and at the same time don’t wait until you’re touching cloth to drop an atomic. Let your instincts guide you. 2. Attire - Multiple layers of difficult to manage clothes will complicate your dump. Ol’ skool pajama’s with a back-end trap door can keep you warm during longer bombing sessions; but are fashionably impractical in today’s modern world. 3. Bathroom - A tranquil and familiar environment provides for the most pleasant ass blasts. Public toilets in bus terminals, small town airports, donut stores and petrol stations should be avoided at all costs. Home is where the turd goes down, if you have more than one bathroom, choose the one your wife didn’t decorate with cat grass and piss soaked fluffy toilet seat covers. 4. The Toilet - Just like the seat in your car or chair in your office, comfort is important when pushing out turd nuggets. The right height, seat width and elongation can prevent ****ter’s sleepy legs on those longer strenuous sessions. This may require the purchase and installation of a new toilet, as many stock toilets builders use in today’s homes are inadequate for the needs of crap masters. 5. Reading Material - There is nothing better than taking a gigantic dump of biblical proportions while going through the entire weekend edition of the local newspaper. The toilet can also make a great place for reading magazines, instruction manuals for your new flat screen TV and other books you’ve been meaning to catch up on. 6. Ventilation - Suffocation on your own excrement fumes is an awful way to die. Skimping on cheap ventilation fans and pathetic little post card sized windows is your one way ticket to the morgue my good friend. Make sure the fan is variable speed so you can lower the fan speed while taking a regular dump to maintain the ambiance; and pump the fan up for when you’re squirting liquid poo from your bumhole and you need to constantly exhaust large volumes of air for your survival. 7. Toilet Paper - Quantity and quality are everything. Don’t ruin a perfectly good crap by ending it off with cheap, wafer thin toilet paper. Softness is the difference between wiping your brown eye with sand paper or satin. Quality is the difference between “I just got dump stank on my hand” single layer toilet paper and “I could clean up nuclear waste and survive” triple layer toilet paper. 8. Deodorizing - When your bowl has been full of E. coli swill for however long it took for you to blast your ass, the bathroom may require detoxification in order for other humans to survive use of the room for hours or even days afterward. Choose something less floral bouquet and more industrial solvent level, we’re dealing with toxins of ungodly power here.
Did you hear about Monica Lewinsky becoming a Republican? The Democrats apparently left a bad taste in her mouth.
Paddy the construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I'm constipated." The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table." Paddy leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a bat, CRACK, CRACK, CRACK..., and then sends him into the bathroom. Paddy comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation ?" The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear" said the Queen "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that". "It's quite understandable" said the Archbishop, and after a moment, added "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse".
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today.
Online Dating Reality Check If your gut has ever told you that an online dating site profile you’ve read was full of crap… you were most likely right. Women fudge their profiles big time, but you can stay one step ahead of them by knowing the truth behind what their profiles say. “Occasional smoker” – If she could fit an entire pack of cigarettes in her mouth, light it on fire, and inhale until her lungs explode… she would. And she would then proceed to spend the rest of her non-smoking time yammering on about how she needs to quit smoking once and for all, and this time she means it! “Occasional drinker” - She’s the one at parties that spends the first half of the night bent back with a funnel full of 140 proof whisky being tossed down her pie hole; and the second half with her fat and only friend holding her hair back while she projectile vomits into the host’s shower stall. “Looking for a committed relationship” - She is severely insecure and will prove it to you by asking you about every single place you go, person you see and web site you visit, bar none. She would implant a GPS tracking device in your neck if she could… sleep tight! “Body Size: Average” – The rolls of fat hanging out the sides of her blouse that are remarkably similar in appearance to when you pop open a new pack of unbaked Pillsbury bread sticks “are natural and you’re just going to have to accept them” (along with their ever increasing growth in size). “Height: Prefer Not To Say”- She’s either troll short with those stumpy little legs swishing together as she walks trying to keep up with you; or so tall that unless you’re Shaq O'Neil it would be like shagging a giraffe. “I am career minded” - Every day she will fill you in on every microscopic, mind numbingly boring, blow by blow description of her monotonous low-paying job in such painstaking detail that you will be rummaging through the closets and drawers for something to hang yourself with. “Likes to travel”- Everyone loves to travel. But when she says it, it means she enjoyed that trip to Disney Land Florida with her parents when she was twelve. She’ll then drone on about all the places she wants to go to, but never will. Like all inclusive trips to Greece where she can discover her alcoholic binge drinking tendencies and rendezvous with strange men for unbridled promiscuous sex in your absence. “He must be well off” - She doesn’t in fact make any money herself, but has spectacularly expensive taste and needs someone else to shovel an endless supply of cash her way so that she can explore the deepest and darkest corners of her consumerism fantasies without restraint. “Sometimes I do drugs”- If you connected all the needle marks on that constellation of horrors on her arm, you could form a recreation of the Little Dipper! If you do meet her in person and she gives you a fantastic blow-job, you can thank her for her hours of practice on the glass pipe. But you won’t be thanking her for that weeping puss filled blister at the tip of your prick.
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?" Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" HIM: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" HER: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" HIM: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" HER: "No way. It's just too risky!" HIM: "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" HER: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" HIM: "Oh, yes you can. Please?" HER: "No, no. I just can't" HIM: "I'm begging you..." Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for Goodness sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."
Mummy Mummy Humour Mummy, Mummy… Why are we pushing the car off the cliff? Shut up or you’ll wake your father. Mummy, Mummy… That really hurt! Shut up and crawl back up the stairs again. Mummy, Mummy… What’s an orgasm? I don’t know dear, ask your father. Mummy, Mummy… What’s a nymphomaniac? Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob! Mummy, Mummy… I’m getting dizzy. Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot down! Mummy, Mummy… I don’t wanna visit grandma! Shut up and keep digging. Mummy, Mummy… Why am I so ugly? Shut up and finish combing your face. Mummy, Mummy… Daddy’s running down the street! Shut up and step on the gas! Mummy, Mummy… What’s for dinner? Shut up and get back in the oven! Mummy, Mummy… What’s a lesbian? Go ask your father, she’ll know. Mummy, Mummy… I hate tomato soup! Shut up son, we only have it once a month! Mummy, Mummy… I don’t want to see Niagara falls! Shut up and get back in the barrel! Mummy, Mummy… Can I wear a bra now that I’m 16? Shut up, Albert. Mummy, Mummy… Why is everybody running? Shut up and reload.
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again" she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size". The moral of this story is: when a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
The Ultimate Farting Guide The art of farting is practiced by many, perfected by few. Perfecting the art of farting is a somewhat long, difficult but rewarding road to travel down. It is the symphony of foods and body function that causes this reaction we all long to occur. This guide teaches you the methods and mind set used by some of the world’s leading fartology organizations. 1. Your mood will play a major role in farting. Having an “I can’t do it!” frame of mind will not accomplish anything. When it comes down to those final moments when it’s release or hold time, you just have to repeat again and again, “Just let it happen… its ok…” 2. Diet is another heavy influencer. If you’re a grazer (or vegetarian as they preferred to be called) you’re partly on your way. If you’re older and are using turd assistance substances such as prune juice, you too have a good start. The real winners are your average North Midlands men. Statistically Sunday is prime time nation wide for fart releases. Not only fart releases, but the cream of the crop, wake up the neighbours farts. Why is this? Have a look at the diet of a typical English male aged between 20 and 30 watching football on TV… Peanuts, crisps, beer, can someone say, fart city? It’s about evaluating your diet, removing the foods that don’t assist farting, and focusing on the ones that do. 3. Important, yet largely unexplored scientifically is the fart event position and location. These two variables can make or break a fart taking it from a stellar world class event, down to an unmentionable discouragement. Try telling a world class pianist that they must perform standing, or telling a tuba player he must lay down during their performance. Farting is no different, it requires positioning that best maximizes the body’s ability to expel gas. Location of the fart event sets the scene and adds emotions such as amusement (elevator farts), excitement (bus farts) and challenge (church farts). Let’s travel forth and delve into the world of position and location… Leg Lift “Elevator” Position Standing upright with a slight curve to the back, lift either leg (almost like doing the jig, except with your leg off to the side – never to the front) and allow the fart event to occur. This one is by far the most popular. Ranked best position for elevator farts for its ability to expel farts quickly and accurately between floors. The signature of a leg lifter in an elevator is the smile of glee on their face as they exit, as you unknowingly enter. Pros: Amusement of only being able to guess how many floors the unknowing new occupants must endure. High buildings that you will most likely not visit again are a bonus. Cons: After a successful execution of the fart, you leave the elevator and the unknowing others enter, which is fine. However, you realize you are on the wrong floor and must re-enter the same elevator. Truly a bad call. “Imperial” Throne Position Just a reminder that your mind associates this position with a lack of bodily control. This one involves sitting, squatting or bending down into a huddled position. Some of the worlds most fermented and catastrophic farts were achieved using this very position. Think of it as a game of leap frog, but without the leaping (or at least voluntarily). Pros: Incredible leverage, captures the true potential of the fart. Cons: Similar to when taking a dump, which could confuse the mind and cause “dyer” consequences. This one in the car in a new suit on route to a job interview is not recommended. Wal-Mart Fart Position There have been so many reports of this position and its success of creating “brown air” that have won it accolades world wide. Shop as you normally would at Wal-Mart. Locate a desired purchase (at least the weight of say, a clothes detergent box) at the bottom shelf in an unoccupied isle. As you are lifting the heavy load in a squatting position, let the magic happen. You will be pleasantly surprised. At first you may point out the similarities to the throne position, but you will be in awe by what the additional weight load achieves. Weight lifters doing squats after a heavy meal know how well weight can affect fartage potency and volume. Pros: Due to the narrow, almost encapsulating design of the isles, farts can remain lingering for hours after initial production. Many more people can enjoy their shopping due to your efforts versus the leg lift position. Cons: Eager and usually frantic discount shoppers change isles with a furor only matched by 9am shoppers at a department store boxing day blow out sale. This can result in a by standard surprise attack and the very terrible mission abort consequence. Power Arching Lean your hands onto a counter top or table (or if available, hang onto your towel rack) while arching your back. If this is difficult for you to visualize, think back to your last visit to the car repair shop. Similar to the “ass pounding” position you take when getting the quote to have your car’s transmission replaced. Power arching is excellent for “customer service” counters at department stores; local Radio Shack stores when reaching over and examining an expensive and ridiculous keychain that has a flashlight, time telling in 12 languages, compass and calculator all in one; a supermarket you do not usually visit. Pros: The arching of the back allows your power conduit to be fully utilized. Less conspicuous than the Throne Position. Cons: A warning to people with small houses or apartments: power arching in the small confines of a room in your house has been known to cause carpet, wall and even ceiling damage. Even more so, lasting damage to newly blossoming relationships with girlfriends and not so blossoming marriages. In Conclusion All positions and locations have their pros and cons, it is the duty of an aspiring fart master to leverage the situations and environments available to him or her. With a bit of thoughtful planning you can start off the day with some power arching in the library; do a bit of leg lifting at the food court for lunch; and wind up the day with an all out assault on your senses with a satisfying throne position fart in the car on the way home. Remember, it’s all about position, location and a “can-do” attitude!
