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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    A LETTER FROM A 69 YEAR OLD FEMALE TO AN AGONY AUNT:

    Dear Deidre,

    My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It's so humiliating.
    Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around, shoot pool with his buddies and have sex with hookers, while I work so hard to pay our bills.
    Since our daughter went away to college and then married, he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian. Please help. What should I do?
    Confused…..

    Dear Confused,

    Grow up and dump him.You don't need him anymore. For fu*k sake woman, you're running for President of the United States, get a grip !
     
    #1001
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2016
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 6, 2016
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  2. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.
    Karen said, “I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does.”
    Joanne giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft.”
    Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked,
    “Well, what do you call your boyfriend?” Kathy frowned and said, “The postman.”
    Looking puzzeled Joanne asked, ”Why the postman?”
    “Because… he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”
     
    #1002
    antipodean exile, Nov 7, 2016
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    If you ever fart in public, just yell, "Turbo power!" and walk faster.
     
    #1003
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 7, 2016
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    I bought the wife a Memory Stick...it's great.

    She hasn't forgotten my beer...dinner or sex once since the first beating.
     
    #1004
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 7, 2016
  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    The mortician calls Mrs. Smith, and says,
    “Excuse me Mrs. Smith, but I can’t seem to close the lid to your husband’s coffin due to his enormous erection.”
    To which she replies,
    “Why don’t you cut it off and stick it up his ass?
    That’s the only hole in town it hasn’t been in.”
     
    #1005
    antipodean exile, Nov 7, 2016
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
    A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position..
    The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

    They gave him a glass to drink.
    He tried it and said,
    "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers".
    Low grade but acceptable.
    "That's correct", said the boss.

    Another glass....
    "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.
    Requires three more years for finest results.."
    "Correct."

    A third glass...
    ''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
    The director was astonished
    He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

    She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
    The alcoholic tried it.
    "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."
     
    #1006
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 7, 2016
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    During her annual checkup, the attractive woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
    “Doctor…” she replied shyly, “I feel uncomfortable undressing in front of you.”
    “All right,” said the physician, “I’ll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you’re done.”
    A few moments later her voice called out from the darkness, “Doctor, I’ve undressed. What should I do with all my clothes?”
    “Put them on the chair, on top of mine.”
     
    #1007
    antipodean exile, Nov 7, 2016
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

    She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was
    uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a spine-chilling "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

    When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
    yelled one final "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.

    "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the
    service station attendant.

    "Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse,
    put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't
    fall off."

    "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
     
    #1008
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 7, 2016
  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    please log in to view this image
     
    #1009
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 8, 2016
    devonFRATTONiser and antipodean exile like this.
  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A bloke keeps chickens and one day an egg rolls out of the chicken run and onto his Pakistani neighbours garden.
    The Pakistani guy picks it up and says, "this is my egg now."
    The Chicken owner says, "I think you will find it"s actually mine."
    "No, it"s on my land therefore it"s mine," says the Pakistani guy."
    In England, when we have a dispute over something, we perform a little ritual," says the owner.
    "What"s that then?" asks the Pakistani.
    "We take it in turns to kick each other in the bollocks and the first one to go down loses, and as it"s my egg I get to go first."
    "Okay, let"s go for it.
    "The Pakistani braces himself whilst the English guy takes a long run and then gives him one almighty kick right in the gonads.
    With tears in his eyes and his legs seriously shaking, the Pakistani guy manages to compose himself and in a very high pitched voice says,
    "okay, I didn"t go down, it"s my turn now."
    The English guy replies, "f**k it - you can keep it."
     
    #1010
    antipodean exile, Nov 9, 2016
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    I've started attending a self-help group for sex addicts.

    I haven't got an addiction. It's just a great way of meeting sluts.
     
    #1011
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 9, 2016
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    I went into my local Chinese takeaway last night and got talking to the owner of the shop.
    'What you do for a riving, then?', he said.
    'What do I do for a living, you mean?'
    'Yes..'
    'I'm a comedian', I replied.
    'Go on then, change colour', he chuckled.
    'No! I'm not a fÜcking chameleon, I'm a comedian'
    'Oh right, tell me joke then. Make me raff', he said.
    Just then in the kitchen, I noticed his wok was on fire with my meal in it.
    'Wok! Wok!', I shouted.
    'Who's dare..', he said.
    Fµck this, I thought.
    I'm off to the Indian.
     
    #1012
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 9, 2016
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  13. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it.
    Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband's glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN.
    The woman comes back home and tries it the first night.
    She puts one pill in her husband's glass of water.
    And that night they have sex.
    The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills.
    That night their love making was even better then the night before.
    So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water.
    A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks:
    "Hello, how's the whole family doing??"
    The son, who answered the phone, answers:
    "Well, my Mom's dead, my Sister's pregnant,
    My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, 'Here KITTY KITTY'."
     
    #1013
    antipodean exile, Nov 10, 2016
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    A young Indian Brave is sitting by the camp fire one day and says to the Chief, "O wise Father, can you explain to me how our people are given our tribal names?"

    "Certainly my son" says the Chief, "when the new born child is presented to the chief of the tribe what ever he sees will become the name of the infant. I am called White Cloud because there were many white clouds in the sky on the day of my birth. Your mother is called Little Elk because a herd of elk were passing by and your brother High Eagle was so named after the majestic bald eagle seen flying in the sky."

    And the Chief then said to the young brave "By why the sudden curiosity Dog Licks Balls?"
     
    #1014
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 10, 2016
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Statistics say 20% of people live next door to a peadophile

    Not me

    I live next door to a stunning 14 year old with a tight arse and cracking tits
     
    #1015
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 10, 2016
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  16. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
    At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
    They hear a faint moan.
    They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
    She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
    A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
    As they are walking, the husband cries out,
    “Watch out for the f*cking wall!”
     
    #1016
    antipodean exile, Nov 10, 2016
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    A man calls emergency services: "Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!"

    After five minutes, the same man calls back: "It's OK, I found another one!"
     
    #1017
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 10, 2016
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    President Trump goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.
    The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him "You can have him shipped home for $50,000,
    or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100".
    The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes.
    They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want The Donald shipped home.
    The undertaker is puzzled and asks "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home,
    when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100!?"
    The American Diplomats replied "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.
    We just can't take the risk".
     
    #1018
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 10, 2016
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  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Two good old boys, Mick and Paddy, have been promoted from privates to
    Lance Corporals.
    Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy,
    there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."
    "But we?re only privates," protests Paddy.
    "We're Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and
    pulling him inside."Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."
    "But we're privates," says Paddy.
    "You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe."We're Lance Corporals now!"
    So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes
    up to Mick."You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad
    case of gonorrhoea."
    Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the
    dictionary and see what Gonorrhoea means.If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
    So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big thumbs up.
    Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible
    case of gonorrhoea.Mick says to Paddy, "Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?"
    "Well Mick, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhoea affects only the
    privates, and we're Lance Corporals now!
     
    #1019
    antipodean exile, Nov 11, 2016
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
    The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
    Kathy said "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
    One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump
    in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made*a mess".
    "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good!" said the teacher.

    Next little Lucy raised a hand and said "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.
    We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched". "That was a fine story Lucy!"

    "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"*"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt.
    She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
    She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.
    So... she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
    She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets!
    Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands!"
    "Good heavens" said the horrified teacher "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
    "Stay the f*** away from my Aunt when she's been drinking".
     
    #1020
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 12, 2016
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