Off Topic Jokes thread

  • One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole.
  • He tees up and cranks one.
  • Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
  • He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.
  • "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
  • Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
  • The man says "I can"t take anything from you, I"m just glad I didn"t hurt you too badly," and walks away.
  • Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I"ll give him the three things that I would want. I"ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
  • Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole.
  • He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball.
  • When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
  • The leprechaun says, "I"m fine, and might I ask how"s your golf game?"
  • The golfer says, "It"s great! I hit under par every time."
  • "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun,
  • "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
  • "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.
  • The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how is your sex life?"
  • Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
  • Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
  • The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that"s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
 
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Lawyers should never ask a Texas grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Texas small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.....
 
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  • A man had just got out of hospital from a sex-change operation and (s)he was talking to the people (s)he knew before (s)he became a woman.
  • "Did it hurt?"
  • "No, not really, only the last bit."
  • "Was that when they cut it off?"
  • "No, that didn"t hurt, it was the last bit."
  • "Was that when they put the silicone bags in your chest?"
  • "No, it was just the last bit that hurt."
  • "Well what was the last bit?"
  • "You know, the bit where they take half your brains out and make your mouth bigger. That was agony!"
 
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