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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #10261
    antipodean exile, Jun 26, 2019
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  2. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #10262
    antipodean exile, Jun 26, 2019
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his Penis erect.

    After a complete exam the Doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

    However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.

    The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment.

    As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

    To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

    His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"

    With his eyes watering, he replied:

    "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another Roll up my Arse."
     
    #10263
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 26, 2019
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry...we can't hire you."

    "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

    "Really? Great! Show me!"

    So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

    "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

    "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

    "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

    "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
     
    #10264
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 26, 2019
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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • What"s the chav next door getting for Christmas?
    • Your bike.
     
    #10265
    antipodean exile, Jun 27, 2019
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • Here"s a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......
    • There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.
    • By imitating the action of brushing one"s teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
    • Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,how should he express himself?
    • Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
    • He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses."I
    • f you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day.
    • I"ve got mine shutting down right now.
     
    #10266
    antipodean exile, Jun 27, 2019
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • How do you know your a member of the Taliban?
    • When you use your bare left hand to wipe your arse, but you think bacon is unclean!!
     
    #10267
    antipodean exile, Jun 27, 2019
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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • What do you call a Sikh with one leg?
    • Balan Singh.
     
    #10268
    antipodean exile, Jun 27, 2019
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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • A motorcycle cop comes across two bikers.
    • One biker has two fingers up the arse of the other.
    • " What the hell are you doing?" asks the cop
    • " My buddy here"s got some food stuck and is choking," says the one biker, "I"m trying to make him sick."
    • "You"re meant to stick your fingers down his throat, not up his arse," replies the cop.
    • The first biker says, "Yeah, I know, but you get better results if you stick them up his arse first..."
     
    #10269
    antipodean exile, Jun 27, 2019
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #10270
    antipodean exile, Jun 27, 2019
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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #10271
    antipodean exile, Jun 27, 2019
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  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #10272
    antipodean exile, Jun 27, 2019
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  13. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #10273
    antipodean exile, Jun 27, 2019
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Neighbours call police to Jeremy Hunt’s house after hearing screams from the NHS.....
     
    #10274
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 27, 2019
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10275
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 27, 2019
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10276
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 27, 2019
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10277
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 27, 2019
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10278
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 27, 2019
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10279
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 27, 2019
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10280
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 27, 2019
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