Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #10241
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  2. devonFRATTONiser

    devonFRATTONiser Well-Known Member
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    Breaking News

    My local Lidl has just opened a second checkout
     
    #10242
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar.

    Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?

    Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

    Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."

    Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

    Surprised, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?!!"

    Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

    Tiger: "But.... you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

    Stevie: "Well, I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

    "But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

    "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

    Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

    Stevie: "Well, actually I'm a scratch golfer."

    Woods: incredulous says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

    Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money. And I never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

    Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that. OK I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

    Stevie: "You pick a night."
     
    #10243
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10244
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  5. Wooperts_duck

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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • I was shagging the wife last night and, after cumming for the second time, I rolled over.
    • My wife was not impressed and said, "how about finishing me off now?"
    • So I smothered her with my pillow.
     
    #10246
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • What does a Jew with an erection get when he runs into a wall?
    • A broken nose
     
    #10247
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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  9. antipodean exile

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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  12. antipodean exile

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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A husband buys his wife 7 pairs of identical pink knickers, she says "why all the same colour? Everyone will think I never change my underwear"

    Husband replies "So who's everyone?"
     
    #10253
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I grew up in a very rough part of town. As a child people would cover me in chocolate, whipped cream and put a cherry on top.

    It was hard living in the gateau.....
     
    #10254
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  15. Wooperts_duck

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    #10255
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  16. Wooperts_duck

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  17. Wooperts_duck

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    #10257
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  18. antipodean exile

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  19. antipodean exile

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  20. antipodean exile

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