My new French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex. She says it makes her armpits sore for days...
I apologise if anyone was offended by my recent joke about herbs and fish. I should remember there’s a thyme and a plaice for such things
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Jeremy Hunt went into Burger King and asked for two whoppers. The Guy serving said, "You're a trustworthy man and the best Prime Minister we'll ever have".
A bloke is walking past a pet shop when he sees a sign saying "talking parrot £50" he thinks this is a bargain so goes into the shop and asks the shop keeper for more details. "Well, the reason he's so cheap is because he's a Cockney parrot and doesn't mind telling everyone, he's been returned loads of times so I dropped the price" the bloke thinks this could be a laugh so he buys the parrot and takes him home. Once set up on his new stand the parrot squawks "I'm a Cockney parrot and I am hard as f.uck" the bloke laughs and brings all of his friends round to see the bird. After a few weeks he still hasn't been able to make the bird say anything else apart from "I'm a Cockney parrot and I am hard as f.uck!" getting bored with the parrot always boasting the bloke decides to teach it a lesson and buys a kestrel. He throws the kestrel into the front room with the parrot and shuts the door. There is a God awful screeching and wailing but after five minutes the noise stops so he goes back into the room. The parrot is on his perch with the kestrel dead on the floor "I'm a Cockney parrot and I am hard as f.uck" says the parrot. Another couple of weeks pass and the bloke thinks he needs to sort the parrot out again so buys a falcon and does the same as before, throws it into the room with the parrot and slams the door. After some horrendous screeching and crying the noise eventually dies down after ten minutes the bloke goes into the room to find the falcon in bits and the parrot on his perch shouting "I'm a Cockney parrot and I am hard as f.uck"! After another few weeks the boasting parrot is really getting on the blokes nerves to he decides to up the stakes again and this time buys a golden eagle. He chucks the eagle into the front room and quickly closes the door. There is the most unbelievable screeching and shouting which eventually dies down after about half an hour. The bloke sneaks his head round the door to see what is left of the eagle scattered all over the room with the parrot on his perch but with no feathers on and shouting "I'm a Cockney parrot and I am hard as f.uck" The bloke walks into the room and looks at the parrot saying "I get that you killed the eagle but why have you got no feathers left?" The parrot then says "well, he was a big f.ucker so I had to take my jacket off"
