Strange to see so many tattoos on professional football players, considering how low their pain threshold is........
I ended up with this stunner the other night who assured me she was a virgin. Things were going great, but after a bit of groping around she pushed me away. "Don"t tell me," I sighed, "you want to wait for Mr Right?" "No..." she replied, "Mr Big will do..."
Pinnochio goes to his father and complains that whenever he has sex with a girl, she complains about the splinters. His father gives him a piece of sand paper and tells him to rub his dick with it before sex and it should solve the problem. A few days later, Pinnochio"s father asks how the girls are. Pinnochio replies, "Girls, who needs them?"
A prostitute goes to see a gynecologist with severe stomach pains. After she had stripped off and the doctor had examined her, he said "The issue is with your aviaries". She said "Don't you mean ovaries doctor?" He replied "No, there's been a cockatoo in there!".............
The first time I asked a woman to make love to me my hands were sweating and shaking uncontrollably... I'd never pointed a gun at anyone before....
I went to a car boot the other day. I found an old, brown, bent leathery tool..... Turned out to be David Dickinson
I turned to the wife the other night and said "I"m going down the pub, get your coat" "Thats nice, you gonna buy me a drink?" she asked. "No, I"m turning the heating off"
Why does the French flag have Velcro? So the blue and red sections are easily removed during a time of war.
THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON"T SAY My tyre was thumping.I thought it was flat.When I looked at the tyre...I noticed your cat. Sorry!Heard your wife left you,How upset you must be.But don"t fret about it...She moved in with me. Looking back over the years that we"ve been together,I can"t help but wonder..."What the hell was I thinking?" Congratulations on your wedding day!Too bad no one likes your husband. How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby? I"ve always wanted to have someone to hold,someone to love. After having met you...I"ve changed my mind. I must admit you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...That you"re not here to ruin it for me. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...Would you like to take this knife out of my back?You"ll probably need it again. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike! When we were together,you always said you"d die for me. Now that we"ve broken up,I think it"s time you kept your promise! I"m so miserable without you ...it"s almost like you"re here. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we"re having you put to sleep. So your daughter"s a hooker,and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side,it"s really good pay
