I was a contestant on Family Fortunes. I was asked to name an alcoholic spirit. You should have seen the look I got when I said George Best.
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes...the accountant says... “Before we begin...I’ll need to ask a few questions.” He gets her name.. address... social security number... etc... and then asked... “What is your occupation?” The woman replies... “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says... “No... no...no... That will never work...that is much too crass... Let’s try to rephrase that.” The woman... “Ok... I’m a prostitute.” “No... that is still too crude...Try again.” They both think for a minute... then the woman states... “I’m a chicken farmer.” The accountant asked... “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?” “Well...I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”.
A man goes to the doctors and says doctor everytime I masturbate I sing 'Glory Glory Man United'. The doctor says that's normal, all wan*ers sing that.
Wayne Rooney was asked for his thoughts on Brexit and he said it's the most important meal of the day.
What the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? At least a zit waits until you're a teenager before it comes on your face.
