So I was on my mobile at work and a woman said to me "what's your ringtone?" So I replied "light brown like everyone elses"
A blonde, tired of people assuming she's stupid, goes to a salon and has her hair dyed brown. On her way home she sees a shepherd and his flock of sheep. She stops and asks, "if I guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The shepherd agrees and the blonde guesses, "237." He does some quick figures in his head, realizes she's right and tells her to grab one. As she comes back with her pick he asks, "if I guess what color your roots are, can I have my dog back?"
"Daddy, where did I come from?" seven-year-old Rachel asks. It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mom asks. "Not really," the little girl says. "Judy said she came from London. I want to know where I came from."
My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10. Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.
On Monday morning the Postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and spirit bottles for the recycling bin. 'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments. Dave, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun an...d It got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.' The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?' 'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.. Then the women try to guess who it is.' The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.' 'Probably a good thing you did,' Dave responded. 'Your name came up seven times.
A mother finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed. She calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss. "What do you think we should do?" she asks. Father frowns and responds "Well I guess giving him a damn good spanking is out of the question"
Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler. So the neighbours think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting "Give it to me!"
There once was a man from St. Clair, who was screwing his wife on the stair. The banister broke, so he quickened his stroke and finished her off in mid-air.
A bride tells her husband "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison". And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped". Turning on his side, he smiles and says "Then we will have to re-imprison him". After the second time, the bride says "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says "Honey, the prisoner escaped again" to which the husband yelled "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"
Three elderly golfers walking down the fairway. "Sixty is the worst age to be" said the 60-year-old "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens". "Ah, that's nothing" said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens". "Actually" said the 80-year-old "Eighty is the worst age of all". "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all". "Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am". Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and crap every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until seven..."
You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there? Anyway, I lost my job as a gynaecologist today.
Jim was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives. The best call was from a brave chap who called his wife, "JOHN LEWIS”. The host asked him why that name? He replied, "Absolutely no interest for 36 months."
A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex". The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting" his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!" The wife looked confused and replied to his mate "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick".
Q; what do girls and noodles have in common. A: both wiggle when you eat them. Q:how do you know you're girlfriend is getting fat? A: she can fit into your wife's clothes.
The Black Bra (as told by a woman) I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.Here's how it all went. My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long. The mistress :Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, (you are going to love this..) " What's for dinner, Zorro?"
I like to carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet at all times. Why? Because it reminds why there is never any ****in money in the bastard!!!! Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So as not to be confused with feminists.
On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed. When her husband wasn't shortly behind her, she got up and went looking for him - and found that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. She asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her. "I thought you realised" he replied. "It's Lent". "What?!" she shrieked, almost in tears. "Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!" "Well, you asked, and that's the answer" he said, going back to his book. "But..." she said "Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location!'"
A boy walks into his father's bedroom whilst he is masturbating. "Father what are you doing" asks the boy. "Don't worry son you'll be doing it soon"" says the father. "Daddy why's that?" "Because my arms getting tired that's why"
