An elephant was drinking out of a pond one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he strolled over and flicked it clear out of sight with his trunk. "What did you do that for?" asked a passing aardvark. "Because I recognised it... It's the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago". "Wow, what a memory!" exclaimed the aardvark. "Yes..." said the elephant "turtle recall".
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.' Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer. Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?' 'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow." She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..' Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Warren Gatland and Stuart Lancaster are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the Millennium Stadium. In heaven, they are greeted by God and Lancaster is taken to his new home, a lovely English country cottage with statues of English rugby greats and angels singing Jerusalem and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top of the hill. He listened closer and could hear Bread of Heaven and Hen Wlad fy Nhadau. He looked up to see a great palace with statues of Barry John and Gareth Edwards and a party in the garden had Brains SA flowing freely as the crowd watched Scott Gibbs scoring his try against England in 1999. Lancaster went to the Lord and said: “I don’t want to appear ungrateful – but why does Warren get the huge mansion?” God said: “You’ve got it all wrong! That’s not Warren’s place – it’s mine.”
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
Can't be arsed watching the Olympic opening ceremony on Friday. If I wanted to watch 700 people walking around in tracksuits, I'd go and spend the day in Liverpool.
A scouser is on holiday in Arizona, USA. He's staying in a remote frontier type town and walks into a bar . He orders his drink and sits down at the bar when he notices a native American Indian, dressed in full regalia, feathered head dress, tomahawk, spear, the lot, sitting in the corner under a sign saying 'Ask me anything'. The scouser is intrigued and asks the barman about him. 'Oh, we call him the memory man, he knows everything,' says the barman. 'What do you mean he knows everything?’ asks the scouser. 'Well, he knows every fact there is to know and he never, ever forgets anything.' 'Yeah right,' says the scouser. 'If you don't believe me, try him out. Ask him anything, and he'll know the answer' 'Alright' says the scouser and walks up to the Memory Man. 'Where am I from?' 'Knotty Ash, Liverpool , England ' says the Red Indian. And he was right. ‘Alright’ says the scouser, ‘that was easy you probably recognised my accent. Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?' ' Liverpool ' says the memory man quick as a flash. 'Yes and who did they play?' 'Leeds United' again without blinking 'And the score?' '2-1' says the memory man without hesitation. 'Pretty good, but I bet you don't know who scored the winning goal?' 'Ian St John' says the Indian in an instant. Flabbergasted the tourist continues on his holiday and on his return to Birkenhead tells all and sundry about the amazing Memory Man. He just can't get him out of his mind and so he vows to return and find him again and pay him his due respect . He saves his dole money for years and finally twelve years later he has saved enough and returns to the states in search of the memory man. He searches high and low for him. And after two weeks of trying virtually every bar and town in Arizona he finds him sitting in a cave in the mountains, older, greyer and more wrinkled than before but still resplendent in his war-paint and full regalia. The scouser, duly humbled approaches him and decides to greet him in the traditional manner.. 'How'. The memory man squints at the scouser. 'Flying header in the six yard box.'
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. " I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get 2 loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the 2nd loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she's tired, irritated, and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No, " croaks the old man.... " but it's startin' to twitch."
Jurgen Klopp has promised to take Liverpool back to 'The Glory Days' next season. Just as soon as he can get the Delorean up to 88mph.
One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a scouser all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge. They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep inthe barn. The Hindu and the scouser were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it." "No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the scouser and the Jew to share the room. They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it." The scouser grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room. The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig.
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand... Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired..
I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird. I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection." But she did.
Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking. “Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off.” said the teacher. 'Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question’?” asked the teacher. Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'. 'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.” 'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen. 'Well okay,' said the teacher. The next quote is, “I had a dream!” Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!” “Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off” “No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat. 'Okay,' said the teacher. Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “F***ing Asians!” “Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone. “Donald Trump!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya Tuesday ………..”
Breaking News The Irish fencing team have withdrawn from the Olympics already!! They've ran out of creosote!
Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?" "It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. "John, she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now " Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it." After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset". So I'd best go now." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still under the cart, I guess", I said.
Paddy says to Murphy " Have you seen the News? 3 Cliff walkers have fallen to their deaths!" "Unbelievable!" Says Murphy "I can't believe they all had the same name!"
The old wartime pilot came into he church hall to recall his exploits during the war. Once the audience of mainly older ladies were settled, the vicar invited him to start his tales of derring doo. He started slowly and built up to a crescendo of rat tat tat ducking and weaving, reliving every moment. "There was this Focker coming at me from the left and another Focker from the right". The vicar interjected at that moment and said " I should let the audience know that the Focker was a german aeroplane". The old pilot replied " yes, but some of the Fockers were Messershmits"!
