Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking. "I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots" says one. "I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits" says the second. "I'm going back to the lab" says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette".
I know a joke.... It's really good... You'll find it hilarious.... Here comes the punch line... Wait for it..... Here it is..... Jeremy Corbyn
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the publican. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks" he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got" says the publican. The guy says "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't". "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside" the guy gasps. "Tell you what" says the landlord "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place". "Be my guest" the guy says. So the publican goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realise she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away. Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer" explains the landlord "She's my wife". The officer replies apologetically "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realise". "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light".
The wife said she'd like me to make love to her over the bonnet of her Honda Civic. I never would have thought of doing that on my own Accord.
Me: Squirting isn't real right I mean it's really urine right ? Interviewer: I mean any questions about the job.
A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker. So the trucker stops and picks up the man. While they are driving down the road, the trucker says "Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?" The hitch hiker says sure. So the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up with the men, and he smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a blow job. So after that, the trucker says "Hey man, do you want some of that?" And the hitch hiker says "Sure, but just don't smack me so hard".
The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to ****. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
A guy goes into a Scottish baker's. "How much is that cake?" "A poond." "And how much is that one?" "A poond. All ma cakes are a poond!" "Oh, OK. What about that one?" "Ach, that one's two poonds." "Oh. Why's that then?"........ "That's Madeira cake."..
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They pointed out that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind. The next day, after his sermon,the Pope concluded by saying,"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noted that he blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also bless Gay people. The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your Mother."
Two nuns are driving down the road when Dracula jumps out. "Quickly," says the first, "show him your cross". The other winds down the window, leans out and yells "Get the **** off my car you ****!"
Q:Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Liverpool supporter, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it? A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
The caretaker at Chelsea Football Club is taking the club to court. Apparently the dust from the trophy room has effected his asthma.
I thought having a vasectomy would stop my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently all it does is change the colour of the baby....
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through". So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through". The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?" Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."
Q: Why do women wear black underwear? A: They are in mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Wow," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
