Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my bum !! Do you think I should change dentists?
Gotta point this out as an unfortunate headline......This is the headline from an article on the beeb football website today under the Woman's Football section. Think they should investigate and give a few medicals myself:- NOBBS HELP ARSENAL BEAT NOTTS COUNTY
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator." Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?" "And so, here we are!"
Two Welshmen were rounding up their sheep when one of the ewes suddenly ran into a fence and got it's head stuck. The two men ran over to the fence and one of them said to the other, "Hey, boyo, this is too good an opportunity to pass up!" The man unzipped his trousers, yanked out his member and shagged the ewe for ten minutes until he finally came inside it. After he finished he looked at his friend and said, "That was bloody marvellous, mate. D'you fancy a go then?" "Bloody right I do!" replied the other man, as he unzipped his trousers and stuck his head through the fence.
Teacher asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence. Ron says "The measles are contagious". Katie says "There is a bug going round and it's contagious" Little Johnny says "My neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my Dad says it will take the contagious!!"
The Duke of Edinburgh attending a Sportsman's' Dinner went to the little boys room, in the next urinal was Frank Bruno. "Bloody hell Frank that's a long one, exclaimed the Duke, you must have spent a lot of time stretching it." "No, said Frank, I'll tell you what to do." "Before you get into bed at night, get your todger out and bang it hard against the bed head several times." "Every time you do this it grows a bit." " I think I'll try that," said the Duke. Off he goes back to Buck House. The Queen is in bed and the light is out. Out comes the Duke's todger and he bangs it several times against the bed head. The Queen stirs and says....Is that you Frank?
Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, 'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.' The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.' The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. 'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.' The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter. 'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do for you today?' 'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun. The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, 'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.' 'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said the nun. The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice. 'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have small, medium or large size.' The sister thought for a minute and finally said: 'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?'
This guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade. "My bloody hair and makeup are not done, the house is a ****** mess, the dishes aren't done. I'm still in my ****** pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the *** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?" "Because he's thinking of getting married."
Teacher Arrested At Sydney Airport - Held in Isolation. A secondary school teacher was arrested today at Sydney 's Kingsford Smith Airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a press conference, an Australian Border Control spokesman said he believes him to be a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Federal Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction. 'Al-Gebra can be a problem for all of us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They maintain secrecy by using secret codenames such "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.' As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle". When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Bill Shorten said - "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.
One morning, two Englishmen are strolling down a London street, when they see a stray dog licking its own testicles. One of the Englishmen turns to the other and says, "Say, I wish I could do that!" His friend watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly, and replies, "I should say so! But don't you think you ought to get to know him first?"
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
A guy was in a bar and he saw a gorgeous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly man. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?" "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?" "I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there." "$100!! For a handjob? Are you nuts?" "You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. "Trust me, it's worth it." The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!" "Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blowjobs." "How much is that?" "$500" "$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!" "You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it." Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?" She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?" "Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!" She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"
After having a problem with alcohol I’ve now decided I’m only going to drink on days beginning with the letter T…............................... Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow Taturday and Tunday..............
Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job. Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job. Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong. Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another? Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I don't know. You put down, 'Neither do I. "
Roy Hodgson was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" to which the old lady replied, "no way you got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"
Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. 'Bruce, Bruce' she yelled.. Bruce came running in. " Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor' she said. 'Strewth' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank’. They came back and they both tried to pull her up. 'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said. 'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'? 'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank. 'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.' 'Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?' 'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her damn appendix out!"
There was a farmer who collected horses; he only needed one more breed to complete his collection. One day, he found out that his neighbour had the particular horse breed he needed. So, he constantly bothered his neighbour until he sold it to him. A month later, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: - Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down. Nearby, the pig listened closely to their conversation. The next day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig approached the horse and said: - Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep! On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig came back and said: - Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three... On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said: - Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses. After they left, the pig approached the horse and said: - Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on.... Fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!! All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting: - It's a miracle! My horse is cured. This deserves a BBQ Lets kill the pig!!!!!!!!!!
Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday. Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool whilst tapping the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing.
Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"
