Off Topic Jokes thread

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IRISH CATHOLIC CONFESSION

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

...This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,....'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'
 
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  • A woman sent her clothing to a Chinese laundry, but when it came back there were still stains on her panties.
  • So the following week she enclosed a note saying, "use more soap on panties."
  • The next day when she picked up her next lot of laundry there was a note on it saying, "use more paper on arse."
 
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  • A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
  • She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
  • When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
  • When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
  • "Are you the manager?", she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
  • "Actually, no," the man replies.
  • "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
  • "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
  • "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,"she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
  • "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
  • "Tell him," she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
 
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Winter is nearly here & our native birds will soon be finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends.

There is no finer sight on a winter's morning than a pair of tits around your nut sack. Just remember however it's a bit early in the year to expect a swallow!
 
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