Why is Christmas like a day at work? Because you do all the work and some fat bastard in a suit gets all the credit!
An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag."
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side-effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that your'e giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls."
My wife brought some Vaseline over last night. "We can have some fun with this!" she said. And she was fcuking right as well......I smeared it all over the doorknobs in our bedroom and she couldn"t get back in!
