- Did you hear about the gynaecologist who decorated his hall through the letterbox?
Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
- Start date
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- My wife said she was bored this morning so I said "Fancy going to the coast and having a swim?"
- She said "It"s fcuking minus 2 out there - I"ll freeze to death or drown!"
- I said "Fancy going to the coast and having a swim?"
- So there's these three strings and they walk into a bar.
- The first one goes up to the bartender and goes, "Hi mate, I'll have a pint of Fosters, and, uh, some cheese and onion crisps please."
- The bartender goes, "Ha, no chance mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here."
- So the first string leaves, dejected.
- The second string walks in and thinks, if he asks nicely, he'll get served. So he goes up to the bar and goes, "Hey mate, we're only in here for one, so please, can we just get a couple pints of Fosters, some pork scratchings, and we'll sit and not cause any trouble, we promise."
- The bartender shakes his head. "No, I'm sorry, it's company policy, we do not serve pieces of string here, get out."
- So the second piece of string leaves.
- The third piece of string, seeing this, sneaks into the pub toilet.
- He ruffles up his hair and ties himself up.
- He goes to the bar and goes, "Pint of Fosters please mate."
- The bartender eyes him with suspicion. "'Ere, aren't you a piece of string?"
- And the piece of string goes, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
- An English man, an American and an Arab were sitting in a bar talking about their families.
- The Englishman said,"I have 10 sons at home and if I had 1 more I"d have a football team."
- The American said,"I have 15 kids at home and if I had another I"d have an american football team."
- The Arab said," I have 17 wives at home. If I had one more I would have a golf course!"
- Liverpool City Council have advised all local shops to replace the "sell by" stickers on fresh produce to "steal by" until the economy improves.
- When my grandmother lived in the USA she had to take my mother to the circus if they wanted to see a fat lady and a tattooed man
- - now they"re fcuking everywhere.
- Roses are red,
- Violets are blue,
- I"ve got Alzheimer"s,
- This little piggy went to market.