The AA have warned anyone travelling in icy conditions to carry a shovel, sleeping bag, 24 hours worth of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt and a torch. I felt like a right idiot on the bus....
The Met police found a bomb outside Finsbury park mosque. Luckily they managed to push it inside before it went off.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fcuking didn"t."
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician is that it takes me six hours to open my Christmas presents.
please log in to view this image When you write a letter to Satan instead of Santa asking for a puppy.
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain"s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.. Once he understood, the parrot started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it"s not the same hat!" "Look, he"s hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious, but couldn"t do anything. It was, after all, the captain"s parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where"s the fcuking ship?"
I found out today that there are over 1 billion Chinese people in the world...... but if there are so many, how come I"ve only ever seen one?
London Olympics 2028London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2028.You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2028. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below: OPENING CEREMONY The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium. 100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes. 110 METRES HURDLES As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc) HAMMER Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts. FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes. SHOOTING A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun. BOXING Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence. CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy"s boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock. CYCLING PURSUIT As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft .MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson. SWIMMING EVENTS All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve." THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided .MEN"S 50KM WALK Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... mincing THE CLOSING CEREMONY Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler
