A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does so, a huge fish jumps out of the water and bites him. To show the fish who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the Lions. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he gets attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two of the chimps with his spade, killing them both. 'Feed them to the lions.' He says to himself. So he hurls the corpses into the Lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the Lions cage. Later that day a new Lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "Alright pal. What's the food like here?" The Lion replies, "F*cking brilliant mate, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."
I just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I took a load of abuse for my floral tribute that was in the shape of a lifejacket, but as I told everyone at the service, it's what he would've wanted!
There once was a girl called Louise, Whose pubes hung down to her knees, So the crabs in her twat, Tied her hairs in a platt, And constructed a flying trapeze
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded "The living one"
I got myself one of those Dyson ball cleaners this weekend, A&E told me I misunderstood what it's for...
My girlfriend just told me she doesn't care what she gets for Christmas this year "just make sure it's got diamonds in it" she said. A pack of playing cards it is then.......
Just looking at the nativity scene at my local church and I can't help thinking how it reminds me of the Jeremy Kyle show - a mother, a baby, loads of hangers on and some bloke who isn't the father.
Half of relationships end because of bad sex. Mine however ended because of good sex... With another Woman.
An American walks into a grocers in Dublin. He strides up to the counter to a little old man and proclaims, "in America, we grow our potatoes to this size!" and holds his hands in a large oval shape. The Irishman says, "Yeah, we grow ours to fit our mouths as well."
