You know that council house in town with 500 Giga-Watts of 'tasteful' Christmas lights outside? They're the twats that'll be tweeting about 'fuel poverty' in January and blaming the evil Tories.
Every Christmas I'd come running downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as I could. Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day. I really love working at the Royal Mail sorting office!
Historians in Ireland have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest ever living man. He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.
At this time of the year, there's nothing I like better than sitting in front of a roaring fire with a glass of mulled wine, a bag of roasted chestnuts, and singing Christmas carols. Mind you, it meant I lost my job as a fireman!
I'm going to miss my father this Christmas, but I know he'll be up there, looking down at us all. Moaning about the broken stair lift.
The Proclaimers' lawn is getting out of control and they are blaming B&Q. They've been to Bathgate, no mower. Linwood, no mower. Irvine, no mower.
I'm cooking a lamb roast for my new girlfriend tonight to prove to her that I'm not a useless twat as she suggests. Now, where the f*ck is the defrosting option on this tumble dryer?
