Apparently they're making a remake of the Never Ending Story. It starts with a Man asking a Woman how her day was.....
I'm not saying my wife's ugly, but she went next door to tell them to keep the noise down and she came back with some Haribo sweets.
It's that day again when people come up to me with their scary faces and frightening clothes with their hands held out wanting money. I f*cking hate my job at the benefits office in Liverpool.
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming “Oh my god, help me, there’s a bee in my vagina!” The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit.” The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife’s vagina. The doctor said “OK, what I’m gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife’s vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife’s vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said “Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it.” So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady’s vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper.” So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, “Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you’re doing?” The doctor, still concentrating, replied, “Change of plan. I’m gonna drown the bastard!”
My Granddad knew from the beginning that the Titanic would sink. He warned everyone but no one would listen. He tried a few more times until he finally got kicked out of the cinema!
Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all going for a job as a code breaker for Scotland yard. Their first test is to pick the odd one out from 3 objects. A cabbage, a potato and a knife. The Englishman walks in and the interviewer asks him which is the odd one out. The Englishman replies, “The knife, because the other 2 are vegetables.” He passes the test and is told to send the 2nd man in. The Scotsman enters and after being asked he also replies, “The knife, because the other 2 are foods.” He passes and is asked to send the Irishman in. When asked the odd one out he replies, “The cabbage!” The interviewer says, “What, how did you get that answer?” The Irishman replies, “Well, you can make chips with the other two!"
Last night the doorbell rang and there was a little kid dressed as Gloria Gaynor. At first I was afraid........Then I was petrified!
I had an operation to improve my hearing, where the surgeon grafted pig’s ears to side of the head. But all I could hear was crackling.
On Saturday my friend underwent a painful procedure that required him to have his spine and both testicles removed. Still, he got some great wedding presents though.
