Off Topic Jokes thread

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  • I went to the doctor today to talk about contraception.
  • She said "You could try French letters".
  • I said "What"s that?"
  • She said "Condoms"
  • I said "I don"t like them".
  • So she said "You should try the French Army method then".
  • I said "What"s that?"
  • She said "You pull out before you get into trouble!".
 
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  • I"m having some problems with my new Staffordshire Bull Terrier- I rang the vet for some advice.
  • I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good reason.
  • The vet replied " Muzzle "im? "
  • No, I said- I think he"s an atheist.
 
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A Scouse girl goes to the dole office to register for child benefit
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Scouse girl.
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan" she says.
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Scouse girl, "It's great because if they're out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it"
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Scouse girl. "I just use their surnames."
 
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