A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
A woman takes her 18-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
A son from a poor family wins five million pounds on the lottery. He goes home and gives his dad five hundred quid. The old man looks at the cash and says, "thanks, son, this money will mean a lot to me. We"ve never had much in this family, we"ve always been poor. You know, I couldn"t even afford to marry your mother." "What!" exclaims the son, "you mean I"m.......well.......a bastard?" "Yep," replies his dad, "and apparently a fcuking tight one, too."
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think ya doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill meself". Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila... not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too!"
A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthesia shot. “No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaimed. So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, “I can’t do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me! The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. “No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills. “So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. “What are those?” he asked.” Viagra,” she replied. “I’ll be damned,” said the patient, “I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer.” “It doesn’t,” said the dentist, “But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth out"
So this woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time on Christmas Eve and asks, "Do you have any Turkeys?" The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only Turkey and puts it on the weighing scales. It weighs 1.5 kg. The woman looks at the Turkey and at the scales and asks, "Do you have one that's a bit bigger than this one, please?" The butcher puts the Turkey back into the fridge and then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he craftily keeps his thumb on the scale pan. The scales now show 2 kg. "That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please!
