My work colleague asked me, "Why do you keep a picture of your wife on your desk if you hate her so much?" I replied, "In case I'm tempted to take a day off!"
Unbelievable. Theresa May has spent all day putting together a new cabinet. The countries in a total mess and she's f*cking about with furniture!
Never going on EBay again! Ordered a Dyson and just look what they sent! please log in to view this image
I know this is a joke page, but I am asking everyone to wish me luck!! I am on my way to speak to the bank manager, and if things work out for me my life will be drastically changed....I'm talking millions here!!! I am so excited I can barely get the stocking over my head!!
Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well. Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.
Looked out the window in horror as a crowd gathered round a crashed motorcycle. I rushed outside yelling "Let me through! Let me through!" A man in front said "Thank god for that, Are you a doctor? I said "No! That's my Pizza."
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise’, The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. ‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. ‘Please sir,’ says the waiter, ‘what you order?’ The husband replies, ‘Chicken Surprise’ ‘Ah! So sorry,’ says the waiter, ‘I bring you Peeking Duck
A cheating wife is having sex with her lover when the phone rings. She picks it up, listens for a couple of minutes, puts it down and says, "that was my husband. "Worried, her lover starts to put his clothes on. "Calm down," she says, "we"ve got plenty of time. He"s playing cards with you and the rest of his mates."
It"s my mate"s birthday today. He doesn"t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. How the f*ck do we celebrate it.? We"ve got no idea.
A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed. "What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You"re 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!" A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth. "What happened?", he asked. "Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me! ""Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?" "Just some friends, why? Who did you go with? ""Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division."
