Off Topic Jokes thread

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Johnny had a swearing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him and if Johnny swore he should leave a pile of dog **** in place of the gift. So two days before Christmas Johnny"s dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a f*cking teddy-bear laying right f*cking here beside me when I f*cking wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a f*cking train going around the f*cking tree, and when I go outside I want to see a f*cking bike leaning up against the f*cking garage."On Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog ****. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog **** around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog **** by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a f*cking dog but I can"t find the b*stard
 
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Bill took his dog to the vet.
"Doctor," he said sadly, "I"m afraid I"m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog"s tail."
The vet stepped back, "Bill, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
Bill replied, "Because my mother-in-law"s arriving tomorrow, and I don"t want anything to make her think she is welcome."
 
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A bloke is visiting his mother in a mental hospital when in the same room he comes across a guy moving his arms around and making beeping noises.
"Excuse me", he asks him. "What on earth are you doing?"
"I"m driving my car!, says the guy excitedly. "Beep beep!"
"You f*cking nutbar, you"re not in a car, you"re in a mental hospital!"
A voice comes from the bed opposite. "Mate, shut the f*ck up will you, he"s giving me twenty quid a day to wash the B*astard."
 
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My girlfriend wasn't happy when I got her some of Victoria Beckham's designer underwear.

"The bra's too small," she said, "and the knickers are cutting into me. Could you take them back?"

"I doubt it," I replied. "David nearly caught me when I was robbing them off the washing line!"
 
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Near my house lives a really hot deaf girl. I often see her walking her dog while I'm out walking mine.

Wanting to start a conversation, I started learning sign language. I tried to learn 'You are beautiful and I'd love to take you out for dinner.'

That was hard, so I trained my dog to shag hers and I just pointed
 
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