Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in." God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?" He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen". God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?" Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American." God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right. Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?"............Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck"s one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, "well, we have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "we have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "we Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "but we built the Roman Empire" And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "we invented sex!" The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, "that is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
Earthquake in Lebanon! 500,000 dead!- USA sending money- France sending food- Australia sending replacement Lebanese.
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied ", my body is yours to explore but down there I am still mourning. He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom? He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"
A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!" One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!! 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful...... When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died! The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover !!!!! Don't tell me you thought that Arthur became a ****in' doctor!
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!" The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey." "What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls." "Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "Them Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
Imagine if all retailers started making their own condoms: Tesco condoms 'every little helps' Nike condoms 'just do it' Peugeot condoms 'the ride of your life' KFC condoms 'finger licking good' Duracell condoms 'just keep going and going and going..' Pringles condoms 'once you pop you can't stop' Burger King condoms 'the home of the whopper' Polo condoms 'the one with the hole in it....' OH FECK!!!
A farmer is concerned that all 3 of his daughters are going on a date tonight. He decided he'll greet each man who shows up tonight with his shotgun in hand. The first man to ring the doorbell greets the farmer with, "Hi, my names Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to see the show. Is she ready to go?" The farmer likes this fellow and sends Joe and Flo off. The second man to show up says, "Hello, I'm Eddy. I'm looking for Betty. We're gonna go eat some spaghetti. Is she ready?" The farmer decides this guys okay too so off they go. The third man rings the doorbell says, "Hey, my name's Chuck." And the farmer shot him
My girlfriend had just passed her driving test so she drove me to town. It was packed but we managed to find a space but she was nervous about doing a parallel park. "I'm confident in you babe just do what you did in the test" I said She slowly started unzipping my fly!!..
My Girlfriend`s just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow. I said, "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?" "What, in case I s*it myself?" She replied. "No." I said, "In case your main chute doesn't f*cking open!!..
