Annoy SpecSavers staff by wandering up to their counter squinting your eyes whilst looking up behind them. When they ask if they can help you say, "Big Mac meal please!"
Shhhhhh!!.......Don"t tell anyone...... I"m gonna go down on you....... And you"re gonna love it................... But it"s only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it............ Then I"m gonna come back up again and f*ck you big time..... Lots of love, Petrol prices xx
I felt a bit fed up today so to cheer myself up I watched my wedding video backwards. I love the end bit where I take my ring off, go back down the aisle , jump in the car and f*ck off.
Be careful, there's a gangster going around pulling up the back of peoples pants, "I think his name is Wedgie Kray."
I asked my boss, "What do you want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?" He replied, "Just pop it in the corner." 4 f*cking hours it took me!
My blonde wife and I got into an argument because I accused her of being stupid. Eventually she jumped up out of her chair and yelled, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't walk out that door!" I replied, "The plane hasn't landed yet."
It was in the news the otherday that Alexis Sanchez is unsure over his Arsenal future and has refused to rule out a move to Bayern Munich. Today, fire crews were spotted at his country mansion tackling a blaze. Police suspect Arsene.
Conservatives 319 seats, Labour 261 seats, SNP 34 seats, Lib Dems 12 seats, UKIP 0 seats, Manchester City 20,000 empty seats.
"Can you get some bleach and some washing powder whilst you're out?" My wife asked. "Can you not wait until you've opened your birthday presents?" I replied.
Liverpool have announced that they have signed 91 year old Dick Van Dyke on a 3 year contract to make up for missing out on his cousin Virgil......... please log in to view this image
