Off Topic Jokes thread
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Waiter, there's a heir in my soup.
My wife and I were so proud of our daughter standing in front of us after trying on her Wedding Dress.
"Give us a twirl," said my wife.
The proudest moment of my life and all that fat bitch wants is chocolate!
"Give us a twirl," said my wife.
The proudest moment of my life and all that fat bitch wants is chocolate!
Man goes into Doctors. "I think I"ve got this bird flu thing that"s been going round."
The doctor says, "What makes you think that?"
The man replies, "Well I"ve starting wearing make up, talking bollocks and I can"t park the f*cking car."
The doctor says, "What makes you think that?"
The man replies, "Well I"ve starting wearing make up, talking bollocks and I can"t park the f*cking car."
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim.""I know, father." "In fact, I don"t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree", says the Father,
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman"s boobs and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don"t see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely boobs, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man"s Willie. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my Willie in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?" "Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father that"s wonderful, stick it in the camel and let"s get the hell out of here."
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim.""I know, father." "In fact, I don"t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree", says the Father,
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman"s boobs and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don"t see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely boobs, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man"s Willie. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my Willie in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?" "Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father that"s wonderful, stick it in the camel and let"s get the hell out of here."
Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So you can tell them apart from feminists.
So you can tell them apart from feminists.
Subject: car buying the senior way
A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter-top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the
$95,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for
$75,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat, and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad,
Once again.... don't mess with seniors!
A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter-top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the
$95,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for
$75,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat, and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad,
Once again.... don't mess with seniors!
Police forces are on a recruitment drive to find more Women Police Officers.
Apparently, the reason there are so few women in the Police force is they just can't seem to grasp the concept of "The right to remain silent!"
Apparently, the reason there are so few women in the Police force is they just can't seem to grasp the concept of "The right to remain silent!"
Be careful people, there are a lot of scams on the internet.
For £19.99 I can show you how to avoid them.......
For £19.99 I can show you how to avoid them.......
What"s the difference between a Lada and a sheep?
It"s less embarrassing being seen getting out of the back of a sheep.
It"s less embarrassing being seen getting out of the back of a sheep.
In a recent survey, Britain"s chavs were asked if they wanted the Pound or the Euro as their currency.
They said neither, and that they"d prefer to stick with the giro.
They said neither, and that they"d prefer to stick with the giro.