I Need A Laugh - Thread

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Tottenham Jamspurs

Tottenham Jamspurs

Member
May 26, 2013
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So having seen how successful the "Name Game" thread was I thought I'd make another one just for random funnies!

I know we have the offtopic section and the Photoshop thread but this one is just for funny things you find on the internet (GIFs, Videos, Pictures) or simply jokes you've heard out and about!

To start us off - This kids dancing skills - If you can last till the end it gets better and better.

[video=youtube;HUcPeMs871k]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUcPeMs871k[/video]
 
Not sure about "funnies," mate, but here's a chat-up line you can use with the ladies. This one's for free.


Him: You remind me of my little toe, sweetheart.
Her: (giggling) Why is that? Is it because I'm small and cute?
Him: Nah, it's because I'm gonna be banging you on the coffee-table later.


Back of the net!
 
Papiss Cisse has deeply apologised for refusing to wear the Newcastle Wonga shirt, and has promised to give 1394% this season.
 
notsosmartspur said:
Normally, jokes are shared in the Bill Nich, more use there would be welcome...unless you're underrage TJ :D
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Mine isn't a joke, though, notso, it's a bit of helpful advice.

The advice was given to me by a very dear friend. He gave it to a bunch of us lads when we were out having a drink. He said, "Here, lads! Here's a good one..." and then proceeded to give us his little gem of advice. The other guys in the crowd laughed when they heard the advice, no doubt because they were so pleased that, now, they had a sure-fire winning chat-up line.

I haven't tried it out, yet, but the wife's sister is coming to a BBQ on Sunday, and I'll try it out on her, just for a laugh. Her husband won't mind, I'm sure. He's a professional cage-fighter and has a wonderful sense of humour (so I am told - by the mate who gave me the advice about the chat-up line). In fact, it was his idea to try the line out on the missus' sister.
 
Hoddle Is A God said:
Not sure about "funnies," mate, but here's a chat-up line you can use with the ladies. This one's for free.


Him: You remind me of my little toe, sweetheart.
Her: (giggling) Why is that? Is it because I'm small and cute?
Him: Nah, it's because I'm gonna be banging you on the coffee-table later.


Back of the net!
Click to expand...

My advice would be, if you're going to try that one, learn how to duck - fast!!...

Years ago, a mate and I were trying to give the chat to these 2 American birds in a pub in the Kings Road. They were on a bench seat, we sat opposite on these low stools. Anyway, the one I was trying to pull turned out to be an ultra feminist. Men were to blame for everything. I tried to engage her in debate, but she was having none of it. Sensing that there was Zero chance of getting into her knickers, I started to wind her up..I can't remember now, exactly what we were discussing, but I remember she said, " well, go on then, you don't think of me as a person, do you? Don't you care what I think?" My reply was, " Not really, but I would like to **** you" bang!!..that was me off the stool!...
 
NowsufferinginSpain said:
My advice would be, if you're going to try that one, learn how to duck - fast!!...

Years ago, a mate and I were trying to give the chat to these 2 American birds in a pub in the Kings Road. They were on a bench seat, we sat opposite on these low stools. Anyway, the one I was trying to pull turned out to be an ultra feminist. Men were to blame for everything. I tried to engage her in debate, but she was having none of it. Sensing that there was Zero chance of getting into her knickers, I started to wind her up..I can't remember now, exactly what we were discussing, but I remember she said, " well, go on then, you don't think of me as a person, do you? Don't you care what I think?" My reply was, " Not really, but I would like to **** you" bang!!..that was me off the stool!...
Click to expand...

Women are just unfathomable. You COMPLIMENTED her and she HIT you!
That is how i read your story anyway.
 
Spurm said:
Women are just unfathomable. You COMPLIMENTED her and she HIT you!
That is how i read your story anyway.
Click to expand...

Yes indeed. As I recall, whilst picking myself up from he floor, I said "that's No then, is it?" Whereupon she unleashed a torrent of abuse at me. As you say, unfathomable!..
 
Tottenham Jamspurs said:
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman walk into a bar....

Bartender says - Is this some kind of joke?
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The bartender says "what can I get you"?

A neutrino walks into a bar.

[which is the most geeky joke I've ever heard, and I am let to believe not even true. Sounds like it might be a joke on Big Bang Theory. Perhaps with this limerick:]

There was a young lady named Bright
Whose speed was faster than light
She left home one day in a relative way
And returned the previous night

[Do not draw conclusions about me from these jokes. I'm having a very hard day!]
 
Nobody seems to ever get this joke, but anyway....


A man walks into B&Q (other DIY/hardware stores available of course) walks straight up the cashier and says:
"I'll have a mars bar please!"
The cashier replies: "Sorry sir, this is a hardware store, we don't sell mars bars"
Man: "Oh, ok.................i'll have a mars bar please"
Cashier: "Sorry sir, like i said we don't sell mars bars"
Man: "Listen missy, don't mess me around my house is on fire"
 
Spurm said:
Nobody seems to ever get this joke, but anyway....


A man walks into B&Q (other DIY/hardware stores available of course) walks straight up the cashier and says:
"I'll have a mars bar please!"
The cashier replies: "Sorry sir, this is a hardware store, we don't sell mars bars"
Man: "Oh, ok.................i'll have a mars bar please"
Cashier: "Sorry sir, like i said we don't sell mars bars"
Man: "Listen missy, don't mess me around my house is on fire"
Click to expand...

What is he trying to say that sounds like mars bar?
 
SpursDisciple said:
You lost me at waitress? What is he trying to say that sounds like mars bar?
Click to expand...

I cocked up. Waitresses on the brain. Will correct

He is actually saying mars bar. Try telling it to someone in person, that is the real joy of the joke. They don't get it, they don't find it funny but its bloody funny watching them either try to get it or pretend its funny
 
Did anyone see the 'Old Jews telling Jokes' series?

: Do you know why jewish men are circumcised?

Because no good jewish woman would take ANYTHING that wasn't 10% off.
 
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