Guy goes to the Doctor.... Doc, " what seems to be the problem?" Patient, " it's a bit embarrassing, Doctor" D. " well, I've been a Doctor for 25 years. I think I've heard most things" P. "er, actually, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse" D. " I beg your pardon, what did you say"? P. I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse!" D. How's that?" P. "don't YOU ****ing start!!!"
Luke, you're on fire. That 2nd one is almost up there with Tony Yescobra and the gooner insulting story.
Good point it, doesn't matter how long you leave it, its the same ones when you get back! and new threads are a bit thin...like Levy's hair.
Always try to choose a pessimist to borrow money off....they don't expect it back. Vegetarians are ungrateful...why did we fight to be top of the food chain? Why is abbreviation such a long word?? A clear conscience?....or Alzheimers. Some days I wake up grumpy...others, I let her lie in. I used to be indecisive, now I'm not too sure. They all said I was gullible, and I still believed them. Sound this klaxxon if you like peace and quiet. If everything is coming your way...change lane quickly. If you want to make headlines...sleep on corduroy pillows. If at first you don't succeed...give sky-diving a miss.
I didn't want to believe that my brother was stealing from his job as a roadworker, but when I got home all the signs were there.
I heard Jimmy Greaves say something funny the other day. He said "Arsenal!" I couldn't stop laughing.......
A BJ off an ugly bird is like rock climbing...never look down. A neighbour was crushed by a falling piano...his funeral was very low key. I sometimes wonder what my late grandfather would think of things I do, he had a kebab shop his whole life and was buried with his equipment...probably turning in his grave. My mate went on a blind date, he said it was great, in what other situation can you get away with just staring at her tits all night.
A clean one.... Guy walks off the street into a dental,surgery... Dentist: what seems to be the problem? Patient: I keep thinking that I'm a moth D: pardon? What did you say?.. P: I keep thinking I'm a moth D: er, look,I don't wish to be rude, but this is Dentist's office. You need a psychiatrist P: yeah, I know D: well, if you know that, why did you come in here P: well, your light was on!...
Milton jones? 3 definitely is. For those that haven't seen it try and find a vid of his grandma/cake joke
In Manchester, a man rushes over and wrestles with a rottweiler which was about to attack a baby, strangling it in the process. The Manchester Evening News wants to report the story and the editor thinks up the headline- "Brave Utd fan saves baby from savage rottweiler." The man protests that he is not a Utd fan. The editor suggests -"Brave City fan saves baby from savage rottweiler." "But you don't understand, I support Liverpool," says the man. "I see" says the editor settling on- "Scouse tw*t kills family pet."
Two fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: "We don't want your type in here." A pair of jump leads walk into a bar. The barman says: "I'll serve you as long as you don't start anything." A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his name and says to the barman: "I'll just have one for the road." A dyslexic man walks into a bra....
How many Jewish American Princesses? Two. One to call her father and one to go to the store for a Diet Pepsi. ... Dyslexics of the world, untie!
