The bank manager said he could offer me a credit card with no interest. I said, "Then why are you doing it?"
conjunctivitis.com ...now there's a site for sore eyes. When you're halfway through eating a scabby horse, do you think "perhaps I'm not as hungry as I thought?". I saw an advert in a shop window "TV for sale, £1, volume stuck on full"...can't turn that down I thought to myself. My mate bought a bottle of vinegar, and took it back because he found lumps in it....the shopkeeper was less than sympathetic, 'they're pickled onions you twat'. A fat bloke orders an ice cream, the bloke in the van said "hundreds and thousands"....no, just the one you cheeky bastard!
My wife told me the other day that I was one of the most competitive people she knows. I said "one of?!". Yesterday my daughter said I was the most strict person in the World... I said "behave!". I hate people who think it's clever taking drugs... like customs officers. And vaguely on topic, an oldie from the other Sir Les. My wife and I have a football marriage, we're both waiting for the other one to kick off.
Did you hear about the gangster who pulls up the back of peoples pants....Weggie Kray. Velcro...now what a a rip off that stuff is. I answered the phone the other day and said 'hello, who's speaking?'....voice on the other end said 'you are!' I was on the ferry the other day and a load of meat floated past, then I remembered the forecast said it might be choppy. Albino's...you can't be fairer than that!
A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire." And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!" The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
I've heard that people living in the United Arab Emirates don't like The Flintstones, except that the people in Abu Dhabi do.
A policeman caught two young kids in the act of stealing a flat car battery and some fireworks. He charged one and let the other off. Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?" A hitchhiker says to a motorist, "Can you give me a lift?" The motorist replies, "You're young and the world's your oyster, go for it!"
"I might have no brain," said the Scarecrow to Dorothy "but I'm not the bitch who's lost when there's only one road."
I was walking along today and I saw a small, dead baby ghost. Although thinking about it, it might have been a handkerchief
You know America has a problem with obesity when the scariest thing they know is called the Slender Man.
Hi guys Been pinching jokes from your site all week so now return one with compliments: - Tonto and the Lone Ranger were riding across the prairie. Then Tonto got down from his horse and put his ear to the ground. He looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger looked at him and said, "Wow, that's amazing! How did you figure that out?" Tonto looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Ear sticky!"
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I had one of those "awkward" moments last night. I was telling that old joke about "what do you do if you find an epileptic in the bath?" the answer to which is, of course, "thrown in your dirty washing and some soap suds." Well, a bloke standing behind me in the pub tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Oi, mind what you say, mate! My best friend died whilst having an epileptic fit in the bath." Naturally, I felt very ashamed at telling such a callous joke within earshot of this gentleman, and I really wasn't sure what to say. For want of anything better, I asked, "How did he die? Did he drown?" "No," said the bloke, "he choked on a sock."
