Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and asks "Can I get a large aperitif?" The barman says "I ****ing doubt it."
I got a lift to the sixteenth floor, and as I got out, the operator said, "Have a good day, son." "Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad!" He said: “No, but I brought you up, didn't I?".
You know when you're on the loo and realise there's no paper, so you have to do that silly jeans-down, waddle to go and get some? Well I'm nearly at Asda now and I've had some very strange looks.
I want to shag you, just because you call it a loo. People who call it a toilet are generally paupers