Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2
- Thread starter Resurgam
- Start date
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Joke du jour - a tweet from Gabby Logan
For anyone unfortunate enough to catch a glimpse of it...
For anyone unfortunate enough to catch a glimpse of it...
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.
Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.
... ' I'm sorry Mickey,but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane '...
...Mickey replied,'I didn't say she was mentally insane,I said that she's ****ing Goofy'
Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.
... ' I'm sorry Mickey,but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane '...
...Mickey replied,'I didn't say she was mentally insane,I said that she's ****ing Goofy'
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .
On
a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elepha...nt
standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed,
so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee,
inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply
embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the
wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its
foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather
curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter
stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually
the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never
forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years
later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned
and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the
ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering
the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the
same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing
and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant
and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its
trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing,
killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same f*****g elephant
________________________________________________________
On
a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elepha...nt
standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed,
so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee,
inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply
embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the
wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its
foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather
curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter
stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually
the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never
forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years
later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned
and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the
ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering
the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the
same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing
and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant
and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its
trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing,
killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same f*****g elephant
________________________________________________________
Old ones I know, but they still make me chuckle.
How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket
according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at
your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash
your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you
see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the
'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MALE v FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
MALE PROCEDURE:
1... Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Lower your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.
How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket
according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at
your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash
your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you
see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the
'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MALE v FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
MALE PROCEDURE:
1... Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Lower your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.
Stolen from twitter, admittedly.
Cardiff and 1p5wich fans off to this afternoon's match.
Cardiff and 1p5wich fans off to this afternoon's match.
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Do you realise that the urge to sing, 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight', is only a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
"Banned from McDonald's today. Fit girl serving said she could make it large for 30p - I said she already had, could she finish me off for a £1"
My mate is going to be on embarrassing bodies tonight. He has got a massive Aston Villa tattoo on his back!
Just read the story and it doesn't say there's horsemeat in burgers, just DNA.
It could just be horse semen, so calm down, everyone.
It could just be horse semen, so calm down, everyone.
Health officials have just announced that Tesco burgers are fine and should be a part of everyone's stable diet!
David Beckham gets into a New York taxi and notice the driver staring at him in the rear view mirror, after 5 minutes the driver says "Give me a clue ",
Becks replies," Famous footballer, played for Manchester United, Captained England, married to one of the Spice girls"
Drivers says " Cut the crap, where do you want to go ?"
Becks replies," Famous footballer, played for Manchester United, Captained England, married to one of the Spice girls"
Drivers says " Cut the crap, where do you want to go ?"