Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "she were thine" engraved on it. He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "she were thin".
He explodes, 'Blimey man, you've left the "e" out.'
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason, 'There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you.'
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud, 'E, she were thin.'

 

How do you make a Liverpool omelette?



First nick three eggs...............

 

There weren't any *****philes when I was a lad, you had to buy your own sweets.

 

You can tell a Yorkshireman . . .

but you can't tell him much!

 

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore arseh0le asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?"

 

The dyslexic, agnostic insomniac. Stayed awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

 

I'm an insomniac, but I don't lose any sleep over it!

 

I'd give my right hand to be ambidextrous.

 

I was an only twin

 

I've got three kids, one of each!

 

Guy fed up with working in the city for 25 years, buys a cottage miles from anywhere in rural Suffolk.
After living alone for 6 months and not seeing anyone he gets a surprise when an old bearded guy knocks on his door.
" Hi, I'm your nearest nieghbour, wondered if you would like to come to Christmas Party"
"Would love to"
"Ok see you Christmas Eve, Oh I nearly forgot, be plenty of drinking"
"Not a problem, I can drink with the best of them"
"Oh, I nearly forgot, Be plenty of wild sex"
"Not a problem, after 6 months alone I'm up for anything, By the way what should i wear"
"Don't really matter a **** there's just the two of us"

 

Easiest way for Toon fans to forget their grief AND still keep the shirt valid!

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Dave/Maestro, is there a chance of making this a 'sticky' as it was on page 8 or 9 and took some finding?

 

What do you say to an Ipswich fan with an attractive woman on his arm?


Nice Tattoo!

 

If it wasn't for pick-pockets, I would have no sex life at all!

 

After six years of marriage my wife told me she wants a bit more space.
I suggested she went on a diet.

 

Before I drove to work this morning I had to go round my neighbour's to tell her I'd hit her cat. "Is she badly hurt" she asked. "Put it this way" I replied, "my cricket bat snapped"

 

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

 

Cracking tweet from a spoof Mick McCarthy account.

 

If Southampton survive this season in the top flight, could they be accused of Puncheon above their weight?