Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

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A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "she were thine" engraved on it. He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "she were thin".
He explodes, 'Blimey man, you've left the "e" out.'
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason, 'There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you.'
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud, 'E, she were thin.'
 
Bloke from Barnsley with a sore arseh0le asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?"
 
Guy fed up with working in the city for 25 years, buys a cottage miles from anywhere in rural Suffolk.
After living alone for 6 months and not seeing anyone he gets a surprise when an old bearded guy knocks on his door.
" Hi, I'm your nearest nieghbour, wondered if you would like to come to Christmas Party"
"Would love to"
"Ok see you Christmas Eve, Oh I nearly forgot, be plenty of drinking"
"Not a problem, I can drink with the best of them"
"Oh, I nearly forgot, Be plenty of wild sex"
"Not a problem, after 6 months alone I'm up for anything, By the way what should i wear"
"Don't really matter a **** there's just the two of us"
 
Before I drove to work this morning I had to go round my neighbour's to tell her I'd hit her cat. "Is she badly hurt" she asked. "Put it this way" I replied, "my cricket bat snapped"
 
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