My doctor told me I should watch what I eat. So I've booked tickets for the Grand National in April. Chucking out Tesco horseradish sauce. Just in case. Breaking news: Supermarkets also removing veggie burgers from shelves as traces of UniQuorn found! To eat or not eat a Tesco burger? That is equestrian.
Horse meat in burgers? I think we should be focusing on what is in our sausages! please log in to view this image
Cow walks into a bar barman says" why the long face?" cow says "bloody illegal ingrediants coming over here stealing our jobs"
I just bought a burger from Tesco the woman asked me what i would like on it so I said a fiver each way please!
What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? One is an Australian marsupial and the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift!
For those who haven't seen this, Bradley Walsh loses it. Priceless [video=youtube;U_Klz5qncZQ]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_Klz5qncZQ[/video] For some reason that clip won't play ? Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_Klz5qncZQ
One day a Barnsley bloke decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and had the time of his life, until that is, the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, other than bananas and coconuts. After four months, he was lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She says, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when the cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes.. "You were really lucky to have a rowing boat washed up with you." "Oh, this thing?" she says. "I made it out of drift wood and other materials I found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that wasnât a problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, thereâs a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to the correct temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron, I used that to make tools and used the tools to make all this hardware." The Barnsley ladâs stunned. "Why donât we row over to my place," she says. After a short time rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. The Barnsley lad looks to the shore and nearly falls out of the boat. Before him, he sees a long stone walk leading to a cabin and a treehouse. As the woman ties up the rowing boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the bloke from Barnsley can only stare, dumb struck. They walk into the house and she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down." "Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed.. "I can't take another drop of that coconut juice" "It's not coconut juice" winks the woman, "I have a still, how would you like a nice coconut whisky?" He tries to hide his continued amazement and they sit down on her settee to talk.. After theyâve exchanged their individual survival stories the woman says, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs." Now heâs no longer questioning anything, so the Barnsley lad goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise shell. "This womanâs amazing," he muses. "What's next?" He goes back downstairs and she greets him wearing nothing but small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically placed, she smells faintly of gardenias. Then she beckons him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she says suggestively, slithering ever closer to him, "We've both been here for many months. You must have been lonely. Iâm certain there's something you feel like right now, something you've been longing for, yes?" She stares directly into his eyes. He simply can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean ..." he swallows excitedly as tears form in his eyes, "You've made a chip pan?"
A Liverpool Love Story A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey .She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday."Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added,"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose?Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain..."What are you doing here?" the captain asked?"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained."I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me.""He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry.
Wonderful English from Around the World In a Bangkok Temple : IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. Doctor's office, Rome : SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Dry cleaners, Bangkok : DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi : TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP. In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS. In a Cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES ... Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. In a Tokyo Bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY. A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest : IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. Hotel, Zurich : BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand : WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? Airline ticket office, Copenhagen : WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!!!) A Laundry in Rome : LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. And finally the all time classic: Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window: IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. Are you taking anything for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper
I think Eden Hazard should have some kind of warning printed on the back of his shirt so people will know he can be aggressive. Oh wait.
Bloke just asked me if I had a light for his ciggy. "Sorry mate," I replied, "I'm a Villa fan. I've just thrown away my last few matches."
Pulling up at the toll booth at the Severn Bridge in my Lada, the attendant said, "£5.40." Not believing my luck, I said, "Sold."
If you just heard a large sucking noise - that was the sound of the Police Force's arseholes as Luton vs Millwall got drawn. #FACup
