My kids are confused by the Chelsea advent calendar.............every time they open a door a manager walks out.
A Womans Poem... before a lay me down to sleep a pray for a man who's not a creep, one who's handsome, smart and strong, one who loves to listen long, one who thinks before he speaks, one who'll phone not wait for weeks, a pray he's rich & self employed and when a spend he's not annoyed, pull out my chair and hold my hand, massage my feet and help me stand, Oh send a king and make me queen, a man who loves to cook and clean, a pray this man will love nee other and relish visits from me mother. Mans Poem... a pray for a gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar and a golf course and loves to send me fishing, drinking and going to the football. this doesn't Rhyme and i don't give a f*ck. haha x
Yesterday, upon the stairs I met a man who wasn't there He wasn't there again today I wish that man would go away!
My mate rang me and asked, "What are you doing at the moment?" I said, "Probably failing my driving test."
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said. "Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that." "Fine," I said, "I want to die when Ipswich get in the premier league." "You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.
I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the Scotland job. I knew it was a **** squad with no future, so I declined the offer. I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.
I always get my loved ones petrol-soaked fake moustaches for Christmas. It’s such a joy to watch their faces light up!
On the first Xmas, the first of three Wise Men stepped carefully into the stable but sank his golden slipper into a big pile of manure. ”Jesus Christ!” he yelled. The woman beside the manger turned to her husband and said, “Now, Joseph, isn’t that a better name for the kid than Irving?”
This guy keeps on phoning me in the middle of the night repeatedly saying "stand and deliver" and "I am the dandy highwayman" I tell him that he's not but he's adamant
My girlfriend has been to Justin Bieber, Jedward and One Direction concerts recently. I'm going to Slayer soon.
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true. Graeme, the old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?' There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis-shaken, not stirred-and says, 'That'll be 10p each, please.' The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40p, please.' They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet. Finally one of them says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?' 'I'm a retired tailor,' the bartender says, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer-it's all the same.' 'Wow! That's some story!' one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, 'What's with them?' The bartender says, 'They're retired people from Yorkshire. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.'
