Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by and asked what they were doing. Paddy: 'We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.' The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches. She then walked off. Mick said: 'Now, to be sure, isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length.'
I went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my bum. Do you think I should change dentists?
Guy walked in the chemist to be confronted by an attractive 40yr old blonde. " How can i help" she asked. " Any chance i could speak to a male regards my problem ?" " I'm sorry but this chemist is owned and run by just myself and my twin sister, so whats the problem ?" " Well i keep getting this huge erection that i can't get rid of,no matter what i do, Iv'e still got it hours later there must be something you can offer me " " Wait there and I'll speak to my sister" She comes back after ten minutes and say's " Well I 've spoken to my sister and the best we can offer you is a third of the buisness, 250 quid a week and all you can eat"
Three Englishmen were in a pub and spotted a Scotsman at the bar. The first one said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Scotsman and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a ****.” “Oh, aye, really? Hmm! I didnae know that.” Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his mates. “I told him his St. Andrew was a **** and he didn’t care!” “You just don’t know how to set him off. Watch and learn,” said the second Englishman who walked over and tapped the Scotsman on the shoulder. “Hey, Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a transvestite ****!” “Is that right! I didnae know that. Thank you.” Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You’re right. He is unshakeable!” The third Englishman said, “No, no, no! I will really piss him off. You just watch.” The Englishman walked over to the Scotsman, tapped him on the shoulder and said: "Hey Jock I hear your St. Andrew was an Englishman!” “Aye! So yer mates were sayin’.”
Bob got an instant text message: "I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again." Feeling anguished and betrayed, Bob went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: "Damned autocorrect. I meant 'wifi', not 'wife'.
Some of the autocorrects are hilarious, I don't even want to put up some of the weirder ones. I liked this: please log in to view this image
Sad news from the nestle factory. A man has been crushed to death by hundreds of boxs of chocolate. He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled "The milky bars are on me" People just cheered !
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
I’m off to Specsavers for my appointment. By the way you haven't shaved very well and your tie is crooked! please log in to view this image
Man utd's live televised games have been moved to the Adult Chanel. Apparently the sight of 11 arseholes getting hammered for ninety minutes is to explicit for Sky sports to show.
A ray of humour amongst the (probable) relegation gloom - the wonderful Alan Bennett: [video=youtube;fiFL7jkIRT8]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiFL7jkIRT8[/video]
CHINESE SICK LEAVE - I NO COME WORK TODAY Wong Chow calls into work and says, "I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work." The boss says, "You know something, Wong Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that." Two hours later Wong Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Went out to a nightclub last night, they played 'the twist', I done 'the twist', They played 'jump', I did the 'jump', they played 'Come on Eileen', I got thrown out
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'
From twitter: NCFC SupportersTrust ‏@norwichcityfans Santa: What would you like for Xmas? Me: A dragon Santa: Not possible. Me: Norwich to win championship. Santa: What colour dragon?
