Helen and Leanne are out having a coffee and catching up. “So, how was your evening last night”? “A disaster! After getting home, Kevin wolfed down in four minutes the dinner that had taken me all afternoon to prepare, ‘granted’ me three minutes of ‘passionate’ love before rolling over and falling asleep two minutes later. Nightmare! And you”? “Oh, mine was incredible. Graeme was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and chatted until late. It was wonderful”. Meanwhile, Kevin and Graeme were at the pub. “So, how was your evening last night, Kevin”? “Incredible! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife. You”? “A nightmare! I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when Helen arrived I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful! The dinner was fine but was so expensive I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these ****ing candles to avoid knocking everything over. I was so wound up and pissed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another hour to finish. In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing ....... total disaster”!!
I was staring at a girl on the train late last night. She said, "What are you looking at?" I said, "Probably 6-8 years, but it all depends on how much of a fight you put up." ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate, "I won't be in here long." He replied, "Well the judge did give you 6 years." "Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a ****ing sentence before."
I came home from work this evening and said to my wife, "Are we having salad for dinner?" "Yes we are, how did you know?" she asked. I replied, "Because I can't hear the smoke alarm."
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession: Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.' The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?' She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales .. . ..'
Guy on holiday in the States see's a sign saying " Worlds amazing memory man, ask any question and he will know the answer",so he goes in and there is this old Indian who says " Ask anything you like". So the guy asks " What was the last game played at Anfield in front of the old kop end ?" Without looking up the old Indian replies " Liverpool v Norwich, referee was Brian Hill, the attendance was 44,339, and Norwich won 1- 0" The guys says " That's amazing" and paid his 5 dollars. Couple of years later he's back in the States with his mate and tells him about the memory man and takes him to see him, when they walk in the old Indian is in a terrible state,arm in a sling, both legs plastered and a bandage round his head, the guys looks at him and says " How did that happen?". Again without looking up the old Indian says " Jeremy Goss, volley in the 35th minute"
'I dreamt I was being chased by Robert Mugabe, and I thought I could escape by luring him into some wet cement and trapping him there until it dried. But then I realised I had set a dangerous president.' Milton Jones
Finally got my sink fixed. I ...I’ll send you the name of my plumber! Cheers!!! Not to worry, the left handle does white wine
As the Transfer Window closed, many Liverpool fans were disappointed not to have got Bale. But they'll be back in court today to try again.
Policeman pulls a guy over for speeding, whilst writing out the ticket the guy starts having a go at the policeman, calling him all the names under the sun and questioning his parentage, before handing over the ticket the policeman writes " AH " in the corner. guy looks at it and says " What this AH all about ", policeman smiles and says "Arse hole". In court the guys solicitor questions the policeman " Is this the ticket you gave my client?" "Yes " "Could you explain to the court what AH means" " Yes sir, it means Agressive and Hostile" " No surely it means Arse hole" " Well you obviously know your client better than me " replied the policeman.
RULES FOR BEDROOM GOLF. 1. Each player shall provide his own equipment for play - normally one club and 2 balls. 2. Play on a course, must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object of the game is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are encourage to check the shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length, to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so could result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to immediately begin playing the hole on arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the full course - paying attention to the well formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players' equipment over this before. 9. Players are encourage to bring their own rain gear for their own protection. 10. Players should ensure that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being 　　played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone playing 　　on what they considered to be a private course. 11. Players should not assume that the course is ready to play at all times. Some players maybe embarrassed if they 　　find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this case. More experienced 　　players will find alternative means of play when this is the case. 12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning of any growth around the hole to allow for improvement 　　of viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole. 　　 13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back 9. 14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, although 　　temporarily, at the course owner's request. 15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting that is, to play the hole several times in one match.
A Man went the doctors office to ask for a Triple Dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose. 'Why not?' asked the man. 'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor. 'But I need it really bad,' said the man. 'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor. The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose. The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.' On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's office...his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?' The man said, 'No one showed up'.
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
Earthquake measuring 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle east. 2 million Muslims died another million were injured. USA sending troops to help. Saudi Arabia sending oil. New Zealand sending sheep, cattle and food. China sending building material. Canada sending medical teams. The UK not to be outdone are sending 2 Million Muslim replacements. God bless the UK.
