Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

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Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance.
He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion,
that's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship
and blow air through our blow holes and smash into a million pieces?
That will be sweet revenge for killing my dad!." The female agreed to do it.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship and blew enormous
amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air crashed back to the
sea and broke into a million pieces. The pair of whales started to swim off when
they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and
floating in the ocean. The male whale was furious and said to the female whale,
they're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the
sailors!" The female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said,
Oh no...you can forget that..... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen!

ILD OTBC
 
On his first day since graduating, a young doctor started work at a Mental Hospital.
During the morning he noticed a man sitting on the floor with his ear to the wall, seeming to be listening very intently.
The young doctor watched the same man doing the same thing all week.
He decided he would watch this man do this day after day, and use it as a case study.
After 2 weeks the doctor decided to see if he could get a bit more contact with this strange man,
so he walked up to him, sat down on the floor, put his ear to the wall and listened,
After a few minutes he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything?"
The mental patient replied......... "Yeah, I know. It's been like this for months!"

ILD OTBC
 
I was in the pub on Saturday night, when I noticed two very large girls at the bar.
They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?
One of them turned to me and said, "It's WALES you ****ing idiot !!!"
So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

ILD OTBC
 
Urgent and Serious warning.

Be on your guard I've just had a warning from the Police about keys.
We are being warned about 4 keys that can open 87% of cars and 99% of houses.
This is not a joke, the keys you need to be aware of are Dar-keys, Pak-keys, Pie-keys and Jun-keys!

ILD OTBC
 
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
 
SportsDirect have just opened a new store in Liverpool, I’ve just been in to take a look around, although this is one must be a bit more upmarket as I noticed it had an Eveningwear department.
 
How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

ILD OTBC
 
ilovedelia said:
How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

ILD OTBC
Click to expand...

An old one:

How many cars can you get in a girls knickers?

A red mini and a thousand black Corsairs
 
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