I said to Mrs Delia, shall we try a different position tonight? She said that's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. ILD OTBC
How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? . Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they worked it OUT. And once they worked it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs, despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, the chair that they dragged from two rooms away to stand on to change the BLOODY light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND,!!!! UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE BLOODY LIGHT BULB CAME IN. WHY?? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE RUBBISH!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF RUBBISH THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS............................ ILD OTBC
Two meat pies were baking in an oven. One Pie turns to the other and says, Holy **** it's hot in here isn't it? The other Pie says, "Holy ****... A talking Pie!" ILD OTBC
Mrs Delia had been shopping and bought some new Jeans, once she got them on she asked; "do these jeans make my bum look like the side of the house?" I said, of course not sweetheart, our house isn't blue.! ILD OTBC
Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their other halves were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."
A few questions to ponder If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrohea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? Why is there a sell by date on Volvic Spring Water when appraently it has been filtered through mountain streams and rocks for thousands of years?
BEDROOM GOLF! The rules. 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls. 2. Course played on must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again! 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case. 10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course. 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. 12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. 13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request. 14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. 15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a golf course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change at any time. For this reason, many players prefer to continue playing on several different courses. ILD OTBC
My favourite joke of the moment: Footballers who roll about in agony after being nudged yet they are quite happy to have needles shoved into their bodies to produce an armful of effin tattoos.
What's the difference between Guru of 1p5wich and Justin Bieber? All the girls run screaming towards Justin Bieber.
Things that exit from your bum explained! Ghost **** You know you've ****. There's **** on the toilet paper, but no **** in the bowl. This one slithers round the "U" bend on it's own. Teflon Coated **** Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of **** on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it! Gooey **** This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't get clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This **** leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet. Second Thought **** You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you suddenly realize..... there's more on the way. Pop a Vein in Your Forehead **** This kind is the kind of **** that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard. Bali Belly **** You **** so much you lose 5 kilos. Right Now **** You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down. King Kong or Commode Choker **** This **** is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of **** usually happens at someone else's house. Remember to put the coat hanger back in the wardrobe after use! Wet Cheeks **** This **** hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet. Wish **** You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no ****! Cement Block or Oh God **** You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you ****. Snake **** This **** is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long. Cork **** (Also Known as Floater ****) Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This **** usually happens at someone else's house. Mexican Food **** (also called Screamers) You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning. Beer Drunk **** This happens the day after the night before. Normally your **** doesn't smell too bad, but this **** is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the toilet. This kind of **** also usually happens at someone else's house. The Frightened Turtle The kind of **** that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in The Bungee **** The kind of **** that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water. The Ring of Fire **** The kind of **** where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter. The Crippler The kind of **** where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down. The Big Bobber The kind of **** that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface. The ****ty ****ty Bang Bang The kind of **** that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam. The Incredible Hulk **** The king of **** that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size. The Jack the Ripper **** The kind of **** that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out. The Party Pooper The giant **** you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise. The Toxic Gas **** The kind of **** that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish. Dirty Bowl **** The kind of **** that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl. The Windy City **** When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a ****. Oh ****! **** You **** so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH ****! The Never Ending **** It's the **** that keeps running out of your ass like pee, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and gurgles, and more **** runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken. Ouch That Hurt **** The type of **** that leaves you feeling like you just hopped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours. ILD OTBC
Muslim outside the pearly gates, St Peter says " Sorry you cant come in ". Mulim says " But what about all the good things I've done " " Like what" says St. Peter, "Well last week i gave a tramp 10€, I gave another10€ to the local dogs home and only today i gave another 10€ to a homeless young man" " Right, wait there I'll have a word with God" Few minutes later back comes St. Peter. "Well" says the muslim "What did God say?" "He said here's your 30€, now fcuk off"
