One day Mr. Smith, the chairman of a large corporation, called his vice-chairman, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire." The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
*Breaking Transfer news* In a shock move this morning, David Villa is set to join Aston Villa, Antonio Valencia is off to Valencia - and Danny ****tu is to join 1p5wich!
Guy go to the doctors suffering from fatigue, "So" says the doctor "What has made you feel like this" "Well i walk on average 6 miles over the roughest terrain, through brambles,through mud at the edge of lakes, normally with my shoes full of sand" "And how many times a week do you do this" asks the doctor. "Normally twice a week" said the man. "Well" said the doctor "You must be very keen on the great outdoors" "No" said the man "I'm just **** at golf".
As I sat down next to a bloke on the bus, he gave me a really strange look. "That's typical," I thought "the bus is empty yet I still end up sitting next to a bloody nutcase!"
Young girl started work in the local chemist. Her boss told her that when anyone wanted condoms to save any embarrassment they would ask for 310 (small), 320 (medium), 330 (large) or 340 (extra large) One day whilst in the shop alone a big coloured guy came in and asked for " 350 ", she reached for the phone and asked her boss what to do. The boss said " look and see if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs", the girl looked and said "yes he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" Well that will be the window cleaner, give him 3.50 out the till.
I bought a new stick deodorant today, the instructions said, remove cap and push up bottom. Now i can hardly walk, but when I fart the room smells lovely.
Now you'd think that any woman, who on her birthday, is woken with a dozen red roses, a cooked breakfast in bed and half an hours oral sex would be deilghted . . . . . . . Oh No, not my sister!
A man goes into a doctors with a strawberry on his head. The Doctor says I've got some cream you can put on that.
Two friends sitting down having a pint together. The first man says: 'I've been feeling so depressed recently I've thought about killing myself' 'Oh no thats terrible' 'Last week I actually went to do it. I was gonna take 100 painkillers' 'Well what happened?' 'After one I felt a lot better'
An Aussie goes to Japan on business. The night before a golf game with his japanese business partner, he decides to go to a brothel. While on the job the girl screams " sung wa, sung wa"! He assumes she means very good and cracks on. The next day playing golf, the Japanese mans sinks a long putt. The Aussie, wanting to impress shouts " sung wa, sung wa" The Japanese man, gives him a funny look and says " what do you mean, wrong hole?"
A Bus load of nuns die in a crash and all go to heaven. St Peter asks the first nun " Have you ever had any contact with a penis" She replys that she had touched one before and he tells her to wash her fingers in the Holy Water. He asks the same of the second and she tells him " I fondled one" and is instructed to wash her hand in the Holy Water. Suddenly theres a commotion, and another nun rushes to the front and says to St Peter, " If im going to have to gargle that water, I'm doing it before Sister Mary washes her arse in it!"
I was sat in the tattoo parlour earlier when a butterfly flew past with a picture of a slag on its wing.
Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. "That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back." But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question I'll sign the pass." He turns to the first lunatic and says "What's three times three?" The lunatic starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?" The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic. "What's three times three?" The lunatic immediately shouts "WEDNESDAY!" The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic. "What's three times three?" The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, he writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says "Nine." The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?" The lunatic responds, "Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Wednesday!"
Studies have shown that women don't fart as often as men because they can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure in their arse!
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak!! ILD OTBC
I said to Mrs Delia, shall we try a different position tonight? She said that's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. ILD OTBC
